A groundbreaking book that redefines what it means to be in a relationship.”–John Gray, PhD., bestselling author of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from VenusWe already rely on science to tell us what to eat, when to exercise, and how long to sleep. Why not use science to help us improve our relationships? In this revolutionary book, psychiatrist and neuroscientist Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller scientifically explain why why some people seem to navigate relationships effortlessly, while others struggle.
Discover how an understanding of adult attachment—the most advanced relationship science in existence today—can help us find and sustain love. Pioneered by psychologist John Bowlby in the 1950s, the field of attachment posits that each of us behaves in relationships in one of three distinct ways:
• Anxious people are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner’s ability to love them back • Avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness. • Secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving.
Attached guides readers in determining what attachment style they and their mate (or potential mate) follow, offering a road map for building stronger, more fulfilling connections with the people they love.
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Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind – and Keep – Love
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AM –
I have been in therapy on and off with different providers for almost 3 decades, and been in many failed relationships. Yet not one therapist ever mentioned the words “adult attachment theory” to me until I decided to see a new therapist at age 55. My new therapist recommended this book in my first session and it opened my eyes to what really happens in relationships. However, it is a somewhat simplistic book. It is very accessible to a broad audience, but leaves a lot of unanswered questions, including why we are the way we are and what we might do about it. I read most of it in one day. For anyone craving more information, I highly recommend Mindsight by Dan Siegel, which is a much denser book about the science and complexities of adult attachment issues, how they play out in real life, and what can realistically be done to resolve them. It took me weeks to finish. In particular, I think Attached does a disservice to what it calls “anxious-avoidant” attachment types–with no information at all on this type. Siegel calls this type “disorganized,” and people with this type of attachment are in particular need of helpful, concrete information. To take the issue a step further for practical information for resolving relationship issues pertaining to attachment, I recommend Getting the Love you Want by Harville Hendrix.
Khaleesi’sHandMaiden –
My psychiatrist pretty much made me order this book even though in my mind I was dead set against, thinking it was going to be a waste of time, perfectly convinced I knew everything about myself and whatever kind of “attached” I was.
Whoa.
Was I wrong.
And I hate to be wrong. Thanks, Dr. D.
General Information: This book is an easy read. It’s not that stuff you need to be a rocket-scientist to figure out – in layman terms it briefs you on the broader different styles of attachment: secure, anxious and avoidant. The book helps you determine what kind of attachment styles you have via reading examples of others attachment styles and there are also some quizzes if you’re still not sure, all of which I found useful. I really liked that the authors presented examples of scenarios of attachment styles and encouraged the reader to read through the scenarios and guess the kind of attachment styles that were presented based on the knowledge we had already been given in the earlier part of the book. I find that a helpful way to learn.
Given that I was not into reading this in the first place – the fact that it was light reading, interesting and at times fun – made me very attuned to what this book had to say. I agree it wasn’t super in-depth but I don’t fault this book for that because if it was super in depth I would have not even read it. My psychiatrist knows what the heck she is talking about and she choose this book for a reason – so I have zero complaints. I think she was even impressed with how much I was able to take away after reading it in one day.
Personal Information:
This book taught me a lot about myself. With women, I have anxious attachments – stemming from an unpredictable childhood. I pretty much tend to gravitate toward any one who acts maternal with me and cling to her. This isn’t necessarily about romantic attachment for me, it spelled out a lot of patterns with all the people I have in my life: from friends, family members, partners and even my doctors.
I had started to notice that I was feeling unsettled in my relationship with my fiance. I was getting annoyed at everything he did. Little things, like the way he chewed. I would get annoyed when he would text me and completely ignore him for hours at a time. Until I read this book, I didn’t realize the problem was me and that with men I have a very avoidant attachment style. I was able to take the criticism to heart without feeling persecuted because the book doesn’t make you feel that way even though avoidants can come off as very very harsh and cruel and indifferent.
I’m now able to communicate more effectively, recognize my own patterns of behavior, identify that I am responsible for my own actions and feelings and now I feel a real sense of control and independence because I have that knowledge. I have that security. I can reciprocate with my fiance now and not be so dismissive of him and I’m able to be a bit more open without feeling that he’s trying to stop me from being my own person or that he’s suffocating me.
I highly recommend this book. If you want to delve super deep into this attachment thing – some other reviewers mentioned additions and alternatives but I wouldn’t. I am a very learned person, a very intelligent person and I didn’t need anything more in depth than this book to help me to start to recognize patterns that needed to change. I think this book is best served to people who can admit where they are on the attachment continuum. I happen to be at a place in my life now, thanks to my psychiatrist and therapist, where I am able to let my guard down a bit and accept things that are difficult for me to accept.. Maybe even just six months ago I wouldn’t have been ready to admit this. But given my ability to be ready and my desire to make things right in my life now that I have a child – I didn’t need a guide book to tell me how to figure out the things I needed to do to fix the areas that needed work in my life regarding my attachment styles.
I disagree with the reviews that claim this book doesn’t offer us any insight as to why we are the way we are and what we can do about it. Several times this book mentions the theories of infant and other kinds of attachments but does say that it’s not the purpose of this book to delve into that. That’s good enough for me. I was able to discern from the minimal but powerful examples they give of the attachment styles of infants to their caregivers to know why I am the way I am and I wrote a whole essay about it to share with my psychiatrist…. thanks to this book.
As for what we can do about it – this was also something I didn’t need a road map for. This is going to sound pretty darn simplistic but maybe that’s just because it is. Kind of just do the opposite of what you’re doing….???? That is how this has been working for me, anyway. But of course, I relied on the examples in the book to help direct my behavior without needing a “HOW TO” direction stamped across the page. You rely on your intuition. You rely on your knowledge. You rely on your empathy and most of all you rely on your willingness to enact change.
The examples in this book were definitely not apples to apples with how I am with my fiance – but it was enough of an eye-opening experience for me to say to myself: “Oh geez….. I do things like this all the time and this is how my fiance must feel. He’s just reacting to my avoidance. If I start to try to be less avoidant and give him a little bit more security by acknowledging him maybe he won’t feel so frustrated or taken advantage of or hurt.”
And that’s what I started to do. I started to recognize the behaviors I have that are avoidant and started to replace them with more healthy behaviors. At first this wasn’t easy. I felt like I was losing a part of myself by giving in to him but then I realized that’s silly and I went back to the book for guidance and reassurance and that’s when I decided to feel more secure and in control. I’m far more independent by making the right, healthy choices for our relationship than I am being a slave to my fear of dependency. I really feel empowered by this and I thank the authors for putting this out there in a way that isn’t complicated but that is so very helpful.
G.C. –
As a former student of clinical psychology, and a personal fan of the self-help section (unabashedly) for the past 15+ years, I have been familiar with attachment styles for a long, long time. This is not a new concept to me. I was actually reluctant to read this book because I assumed it would address the concept in a somewhat superficial way at worst, or, at best, in an introductory way for people who were unfamiliar with the topic.
What I found was a relationship book that resonated with me more strongly than almost any before. And it has completely changed the way I dated.
I identify as having an anxious attachment style, although I’ve displayed avoidant characteristics with certain partners in the past. However, most other books I’ve read have offered strategies on how to IMPROVE this anxiety, how to get rid of it. That has its place, but what this book really says is, (paraphrasing) “If you are anxiously attached, you need a secure partner. Period. The most effective way to find a satisfying relationship is to weed out avoidant partners immediately.” Thus, the focus is not on meditating or journaling to deal with your anxiety, or even dating many people at once (although the book does recommend this), but the focus is really on avoiding people who are wrong for you.
Someone who’s even SLIGHTLY avoidant is going to make you feel very, very anxious. If someone waits 24 hours to text you, 99% of the time, this is not going to lead to a relationship that feels healthy for YOU. They are not the right partner for YOU. Don’t try to make yourself okay with receiving one text a day; cut that cord QUICKLY, and work on finding other partners. (Or, working on yourself. That is, of course, a given.)
This book, as I said, has changed the way I’ve dated. Before, I would follow “conventional” dating advice that, in large part, recommends you don’t voice your needs directly, lest you look needy. That worked to attract guys, but it attracted the WRONG type of guys. Now, if someone waits a day to text me back, or does [X] behavior, instead of ignoring it and hoping it gets better (it usually doesn’t), if it really bothers me, I bring it up. Not in a “let’s have a huge conversation about this” way, but in a way that is not passive aggressive or attacking, but also straight forward. The funny thing is, some guys actually APPRECIATE this. And THOSE are the guys I want to date. If things don’t get better, I know that that person cannot meet my needs.
In the past, I would have stuck it out, trying to play it “cool” while having crazy anxiety on the inside (i.e., never texting them until they got back to me), and you know what? It NEVER worked out. Ever. With clear communication, I come to that conclusion much quicker, and also have the benefit of seeing how a guy responds to that. (Does he get defensive? Does he apologize? Does he ignore what I said and change the subject? ALL very telling.)
So, in sum: as unsexy as it sounds, CLEAR communication, even – especially – in the early stages of a relationship is best. And this book advocates it. Because, you know what? The people who actually are securely attached and emotionally open will appreciate that. So, trust your gut, keep dating, and good luck!
mnsesq –
I felt like I was given the language via this book to pull together and understand what I have experienced my whole life and what perplexed me my whole life. It’s like when you are struggling to understand the math equation and then the instant comes when you get it. That was this book, for me.
But I’m frustrated with something. “Attached” says that I, an anxious attachment style person, am more likely to choose a partner who is an avoidant style, that when I do my attachment needs will never be fully satisfied even if both partners are willing to change to some degree as recommended in the book. “Attached” recommends I choose a secure attachment style partner to be happy. It also says that my attachment system will be activated by an avoidant, say on a first date, causing me to be drawn to him, and not activated by a secure person, who will bore me. The recommendation is to not get turned on by the avoidant attachment style person. After all the outstanding explanations and recommendations in the book, I feel it really falls short with that pithy recommendation to just not get turned on by the avoidant! Any anxious person will tell you that’s near impossible!
Where’s the steps for the anxious person to bypass the immediate and biologically based attachment to the avoidant?! Secures probably have the ability to make a choice in their selection of a partner to a greater degree. If I do as recommended in accepting my attachement style, am I to accept that I’m doomed to be sucked in to a series if unsatisfying relationships with avoidant people? “Attached” does have a helpful section on evaluating anxious/avoidant relationships and improving them and even on getting out of them. The shortfall is in how to make a different choice at those critical moments before getting into the relationship. “Just say no” never really worked.
When the first revision comes out, I hope it includes another chapter.
Paul McCloud –
This book really should be required reading for anyone BEFORE they get into a relationship! I’ve recommended this book to many friends now and every time I recommend the book I make a joke about how humbling it was to read this book. Let me explain.
I’ve always considered myself, like most people probably do, to be a complicated, layered individual…unable to boxed in or defined by a particular group or belief system!….then I read this book. Never before had I stumbled upon a psychological model that better described my actions, both in and out of the relationship context. With this new found knowledge I was able to objectively identify, understand and eventually begin to correct certain destructive emotional and psychological patterns within the relationship context. That ability has been incredibly important in my most recent relationship…something that I probably would have stepped away from had I not read this book and understood my avoidant attachment style.
The reason I gave this four stars is because the book was so focused on individuals that were NOT in a relationship. My relationship is the classic avoidant & anxious combination. Yet we decided to leverage this new found knowledge to do the hard work necessary for us to achieve a secure / secure relationship! I do believe this is possible, though hard work, and I have seen results first hand in my relationship that support that theory. However, I would have loved to seen a greater portion of this book dedicated to exercises and tools that couples could use who are in the very situation that this book is encouraging you and teaching you to avoid when possible.
Lucki –
This book by Dr. Johnson deepened my understanding of attachment theory as well as providing a step by step, practical application of EFT. I highlighted most of the material in this book and often wrote client’s first names in the margins as my understanding of client issues became crystal clear. I have adopted the vocabulary and strategies in my sessions and as a result- my skills have improved. I keep the book next to my chair and pick it up between sessions for quick reviews.
chucktx –
Pretty simple, yet we’re so messed up in our thinking and relating. Sue does a terrific job reminding us how to be human. It’s more than another psychological theory. It’s more important than that. It’s about living the life–being the person–you were designed for. The world spits tons of messages at us about who we are that are just flat out wrong. Sue’s books help you start putting the puzzle back together–to get back what we’ve allowed to slip away. Worth the read.
Alicia Powell –
Another, less elegant title for this book might be, “Everything new therapists want to know, but are afraid to ask.” Drs. Bender and Messner have gotten down to the very basics here, in a way which is friendly, yet firm; concrete, but backed by solid psychodynamic theory. They even write about mistakes they have made in their own practices, something which is not commonly done in this genre. This book would have saved me (and my patients) from a lot of stumbling in those early months, and dare I say, years. It is fun to read, to boot!
inlori Customer –
This is a super read for anyone interested in understanding more about relationships. It is not a popular press magazine or cookbook. Be aware it is written in a very dense (though fluid) academic style which requires your attention: compound sentences cleaned of articles and misunderstanding. The content is wonderfully organized and flawlessly edited. As a nonprofessional, I enjoyed the book immensely, finding insights into past relationships and myself on almost every page — along with hope for doing better by my partner in the future.
D –
I’m a baseline avoidant type working toward being more secure and this book was immensely helpful for me. Don’t let all the gobbledygook in some of the reviews keep you from making up your own mind about the book. The truth is that both avoidant and anxious types can bring extra stressors into their relationships. Accepting the existence of your baseline needs doesn’t make you an awful person and that’s not implied in the book, no matter how sensitively/defensively some folks might have read it. Sure, their example avoidants are sometimes borderline abusive, but many of their anxious examples sound like obsessive neurotics just shy of becoming stalkers or clinical depressives. Real people actually act in both those directions as well as the milder stuff in between. Their point is not to denigrate ANYONE but to explain why they do what they do, why that might not ultimately lead them to relationship happiness, and how they can better their odds – avoidants, anxious folks, and secure ones alike.Likewise, working toward being more secure neither requires a wholesale denial of your natural tendencies nor is it a one way street. For example, the range between ignoring most seemingly incessant calls (typical avoidant behavior) and answering all incessant calls (typical anxious preference) is vast. One of the solution examples in the book was the avoidant sending the occasional unsolicited affectionate text, so even if they were generally unavailable to take calls, the anxious partner could still know they were important and thought of fondly. Alternatively, the book actively charges both anxious and avoidants to seek compatible/secure partners – so then things like this are less likely to happen. My secure partner isn’t the type to call incessantly in the first place, so if they do, I can easily trust that it is an emergency and excuse myself from any pressing business and with partners (and even friends) more likely to communicate more often than I naturally would, we have code/trigger texts for urgent things rather than just checking in etc. situations. Challenging? Yes. Impossible? No. That’s all the book is saying, really, while offering some useful articulations to work with in figuring out what you need, what your partners need, and how to address both as much as possible with the least amount of grief.Do they coddle avoidants? No, but we live in a highly individualism oriented world where anxious types are regularly dismissed and denigrated while many avoidants are given top notches and told our way is the right way. I can honestly admit that I still kind of viscerally feel like it is, but the authors’ argument that it is no more or less -just differently- problematic than the anxious approach is actually quite convincing. Try reading the book expecting to be challenged and if you want to grow, it shows you many ways to do so.If you’d like additional relevant resources on differences and compatibility in relationships, the other book I found useful was The Love Compatibility Book by Hoffman & Weiner, which is about 12 core personality traits that affect compatibility. Their “nurturance” and “need for companionship” traits seem very much aligned with these attachment types.https://atchabook.com/shop
The Oxfordian –
This thorough, compelling and entertaining book promises to become a classic in its field. The authors take the reader into the complex and fascinating terrain of the psychotherapist’s office, and, better yet, into the therapist’s head. The therapist-in-training learns how to talk and listen to patients, deal with problems as they arise, manage his/her own feelings dealing with a patients. This can also be a useful book for patients who want to understand psychotherapy from the other side. Written in clear, authoritative, precise prose, this book is accessible to all, sympathetic to both patients and therpists, and extremely informative. Not only will it be useful to therapists and patients, but would also be of interest to the mass market, especially Oprah! A must-buy for those interested in the therapeutic process.
Cheyenne Costa –
I really enjoyed the content, burned through it in two days (which can be good and bad – good because it was easy to read, perhaps bad because I spent less time with the material than I would otherwise). Lots of information about the Anxious Preoccupied and Avoidant Dismissive, glazes over Fearful Avoidant (Disorganized) but serves as a good jumping off point to learning the nuances of the theory (which was what I was looking for). Easy to digest and the examples really bring the more abstract and conceptual points to life. I will say, there seems like there is slightly more information/focus on the anxious attachment style and there is a slightly more negative connotation when talking about the avoidant attachment style, so take that with a grain of salt (just something to be aware of and consider).
funkiedrummer –
I can’t believe I have not reviewed this book yet. It is one I have underlined so many times as to be non-helpful, it’s all underlined. Also, I guess I have been too busy recommending it to my clients. Attachment theory explains the most often presented dynamic in marriage therapy- distancer – pursuer. I have been using attachment theory in my explanations, but until now, there has been a void in the books that I could suggest to my clients that would be understandable easily and actually helpful. Now, when I order it, I order around 3. I have probably bought close to 15 copies. I find it easier to just sell it to my clients for what I pay for them because as I read a passage or two from it they are ready to go. This is the Rosetta Stone, Attachment Theory, for all relationships. This is the first book about Attachment Theory that I not only don’t feel hesitant about suggesting but actively say, “once you really get a handle on Attachment Theory you will have a completely new way of seeing why certain things are happening, and happening over and over, in your relationships that used to baffle you. The reason I wrote this review is because I’m back to order 3 more. When one of my clients actually reads it they call, or email, or text, and without exception say, “OMG, if I had only known.” I would give this book a 6 if I could. I noticed that someone had said in their title, “mostly about anxious attachment disorder.” I can’t remember if it’s in this book, or one of the 10 others I’ve read on Attachment Theory, but Avoidant is just layered on top of Anxious. The primary though being that anxious attachment style desires intimacy. Well, we all desire intimacy, we just deal with it differently. Buy the book! Shoot, if you end up not wanting it, I’ll buy it from you. I’ll probably need some by then anyway.
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind?and Keep?Love
T. Veatch –
After reading the description along with a healthy recommendation from a youtuber, I was excited to receive my copy from inlori. The book could be half the number of pages or even less if some of the example scenarios from test subjects were taken out, but I admit it is probably good for some readers to retain the information through repetitive cases they can study and learn to spot behavior characteristics. Basically you’re going to fall into one of three core relationship styles; Secure, Anxious, Avoidant. Each of the styles attracts primarily the opposite of what you would think and the explanations are clear. Ultimately you can spare yourself the trouble of wasting time on failed relationships if you know who you are (good and bad), what you want in life and are upfront in the beginning (honest and vulnerable). This will either send a potential partner running or toward you. I’m sure some souls actually need to experience negative patterns over and over again to eventually wake up to something better, but if you read this book and finally admit to your own story, you’ll not only shed light on the who/what/why of past relationships, but you’ll also know what to look out for moving forward. Awareness!Here are a few of my own explanations (not from the book) that vaguely cover each style.1) Secure; you know what you want in life and you’re just happy to attract whatever comes your way to share the joy equally with you. It’s all love bro, no worries!2)Anxious; you constantly need validation that the relationship is the most important thing on your partners mind, because that’s all you really think about anyway. I know he/she is going to leave me, is he/she going to leave me? I better stay on top of this 24/7 so they don’t have a chance to think about anything or anyone else.3) Avoidant; you like the connection but you don’t really want to commit to anything long-term. You don’t really express it verbally, but your actions speak volumes. It’s the “I’ve just got a lot going on right now… but I’ll probably talk to you in a month or so and get your hopes up again for no reason other than you’ll allow it” type of person, who isn’t saying NO and they’re not saying YES, choosing not to say anything that conveys a YES/NO answer because that would be making a decision you could hold them to. Commitment,……. ruuuuuuuuuuunnn.And you can probably read the book in an evening. Good luck and happy awakening!
Kazim CanSaydam –
LOVED this book! It so beautifully explains how attachment directs human behavior in all relationships (relationship with self included!) and gives therapists clear guidelines on how to apply it in sessions. Such an eye opener.
Sonya L –
I can not praise this book enough!
I have read many relationship books, been to counseling, and spent many years trying to find the best way to improve myself and to be a better partner. This book is THE BEST book I have read hands down and want more people to have it. I love that it gets right to the heart of yourself, drops the useless gender differences, and focuses on what I knew was true, but didn’t understand the science behind well enough to understand and change my own behaviors.
I have always believed completely that humans are hardwired to need each other and that this is not unhealthy. This book explains why this is true from the prospective of our biology, backs it up with documented benefits of a healthy relationship on or lives and longevity, and finally gives me a roadmap I can use.
I still have a hard time understanding how to be a secure partner, as you can guess from my review, I am coming from a background full of issues. That said, this is the first book that helps me understand where I am going wrong, and how to change me first. My partner is also in the insecure group, but it doesn’t put his work on me, the female in our relationship, which still happens in a lot of counseling and the spiritual based books prevalent in the US.
It is for everyone! It will help you at every stage of your life, married, single, dating, and engaged. Also even if you are feeling pretty proud of yourself and don’t think you need to know this info, it also extends to parenting and I think could easily be adapted to understand how to build better bonds with anyone you love and care about.
Read it, learn it, and put it into practice! This book is now part of what I will recommend to make our world a better place.
Michelle Webster –
I don’t even know how to tout the effectiveness of this book enough. It has truly been a beautiful experience reading. Especially as someone with anxious attachment style. It is incredibly helpful to not only understand myself, but to also, for the FIRST time in my 52 years of life, feel safe and celebrate who I am without any apologies. It has been life-changing to say the very least. I just started dating again after ending a relationship with an avoidant attachment style that utterly destroyed me and has taken me a very long time to come back from (still technically healing), and this gem of a book helped me get out of getting involved in yet another destructive and traumatic relationship with an avoidant attachment style early in the relationship. It’s still not easy for me, because that truly defines my anxious attachment style lol, but it’s far easier now that I understand what motivates me and what motivates them and what I need to be happy and healthy long-term. It gave me the tools that I need to understand anxious, avoidant, and secure attachment styles, a helpful strategy in knowing how to present my needs in the most effective ways and how to communicate far better for those needs at the very beginning of my dating relationships. It has saved me from many heartaches already by helping me recognize early-on in my dating experiences the avoidant attachment style that is so toxic for my anxious attachment style. It also helps me not have such hard feelings about myself when falsely thinking that I’m not good enough for those avoidant attachments that I’ve had relationships with in the past. It helped me understand my amazing value and my infinite worth, and for that I cannot place a measurement of value on. I thank my lucky stars every day that this book was put in my path. I’ve used therapy and a plethora of other strategies for 25 years and NOTHING has helped me the way this book has. Thank you, Amir and Rachel, for helping me finally feel my worth and for giving me the tools I need to be in a healthy relationship!! FINALLY!!!!!
Brie –
This book “Attached” was one of the greatest self help materials that I have ever read. If you are interested in learning about attachment theory and how it correlates into your dating life, well then this book is definitely for you!
What sets this book apart from other self help relationship themed books is a few things that I’ll talk about below:
-First, the book is coupled with research (actually over two decades of it) from a very wide pool of people so this book will definitely capture whoever you are and whatever you’re going through.
-The book also does an amazing job at validating your feelings and if you have an anxious attachment (defined by a need for closeness, lots of emotional intimacy, and reassurance that the relationship is secure) then it is common for a lot of self help materials to chastise you for having those needs (as American/ western culture is focused on self reliance and independency) and aim to steer you in the direction of repressing your feelings, denying them, and partaking in actions that are untrue to oneself (is it obvious that this is my style yet?!?! Lol).
-Another thing that sets apart this book from most is that oftentimes other self help relationship materials will be VERY gendered. It will tend to dichotomize certain behaviors to women and certain behaviors to men and tell women that they need to think more like men (which would be characterized as avoidant style in the book). This book goes out of the way to mention that everyone can have different attachment styles REGARDLESS OF GENDER. It’s okay if you are a man and have an anxious attachment style or you are a women and are avoidant– there’s nothing wrong with that and the book goes to validate that.
This book’s style has a very fluid narration as it does a great job helping you to understand: attachment theory, your attachment style as well as others, and succeeds in giving an abundance of tips, tools and exercises ultimately leading you to the land of effective communication so that you can face the least amount of conflict in the relationship (ultimately caused by underlying intimacy issues).
My only complain is that the examples in the book were blatantly heterosexual in nature (except for one couple that I thought might’ve been a gay couple, but I wasn’t sure) and wasn’t really inclusive of all gender expressions based on the language used, (and I saw one thing that may have been offensive to asexual or celibate individuals) but if you are willing to look past those things and you don’t mind, then go for it!!
If you are buying this book, then good for you, go on with ya bad self! I congratulate you for wanting to take the steps to revolutionize your dating life. As for myself, at the young age of 20, I can say that this book will forever change my life and it was the best $10 I have spent in a very long time. I am going to share it with everyone!
Cheers!!
(Also read the other reviews to get a better idea of attachment theory as my review is too long to fully go in depth about that… Sorry yall!)
allarminda –
I read a lot of books on people, relationships, communication, love, happiness, positivity, leadership, and being a better you so the world is a better place kind of books. This book is without question the best book I have ever read on the subject of relationships, why we are the way we are in them, and what to do with this knowledge.
Don’t let the subtitle about finding and keeping love fool you. If you are married, divorced, single, want to be in a relationship, are happy being alone, have children, want children, don’t even like other people’s children, are a boss, hate your job, are a student, believe you’re too old, prefer the company of your dog, spend an inordinate amount of time talking to your local barista, or have any interaction with another human on this planet, this book is for you.
If I could have a book fairy grant me a wish it would be that every single person on the planet would read this book and that town halls, libraries, book clubs and couples across the globe would hold discussions and events celebrating the understanding of attachment styles and how we connect more deeply because we see and experience each other through brand new lenses now.
Learn about the three attachment styles: 1) Anxious, 2) Avoidant, 3) Secure, and which of the three is yours. Then discover how to intentionally show up in your relationship as the best version of you, knowing your attachment style, preference, and tendencies.
This book has completely transformed the way I view and experience myself in relationships.
“Relationships should not be left to chance. Relationships are one of the most rewarding of human experiences, above and beyond other gifts that life has to offer. . . . [yet] most of us still know very little about the science behind romantic relationships and allow ourselves all too often to be guided by misconceptions and myths” (268).
Whitney –
I’ve been in several relationships that classified as anxious/avoidant and as the anxiously attached I couldn’t figure out why my needs were always dismissed. I felt unloved and unheard and stayed too long where it wasn’t a good fit.
This book gives you tools to find out your attachment style and examples of many possible outcomes.
I still as an anxiously attached person find myself feeling nervous when I’m dating. I need to know we are on the same page often but I’m never afraid to say my needs now.
I worked very hard on effective communication and I’m still learning as I go.
Now I can spot the differences and if someone cannot give me what I need I happily move on. I never want to be in a place I’m not a good fit for again and this book allows you to see the issues head on.
It’s a great way to give you insight into yourself. It will not give you all the answers but you can find more methods after identifying the major points to work on.
Tia Korpela –
This book was very eye opening. It helps me distinguish from “cute” behavior in a couple (like a woman being very demanding in a relationship and a guy being so in love he’ll do whatever he can to keep her) to toxic behavior. We all grow up with an idea of what “love” is supposed to look like, but one of the best things we can do for our own relationships is take that idea apart and rebuild it to fit both of the participant’s needs.
I think a lot of people believe that a book like this needs to be well written (interesting enough to keep the readers attention past the information they are trying to convey) but in reality it takes a lot to read these types of books and stay focused. Take some responsibility for the fact that it’s your job to actively solve your own attachment issues. Read the book even if it feels boring—the simple concepts in this book will change the way you look at your romantic relationships, friendships, and family forever.
SBF –
Overall I like this book. It does a nice job of synthesizing the existing research out there on adult attachment types and providing clear examples of what some of the behaviors look like (which is often missing from the research papers).
However, it seems to me that they were a bit too forgiving on the Anxious attachment type. From what I have read in other papers, the Anxious type’s need for frequent affirmation and higher than average amounts of demonstrated intimacy could be as stressful to a relationship as is the Avoidants higher than average need to create distance and emotional barriers. Unfortunately, Levine and Heller appear to treat the Anxious’ need for significant demonstrated intimacy as appropriate (a biological imperative even) and focus almost exculsively on the “protest behaviors” – instead of these root behaviors – as things that need to be monitored. [see chapter 5] They assert that these core needs for high levels of intimacy and affirmation can be met, if the Anxious type finds a Secure type. I would imagine that even a Secure attachment type might find these ‘insecure’ expectationsas taxing and may not be able to respond with as much intimacy as the Anxious type requires.
For the Anxious attachment type, I would encourage reading more of the Adult Attachment literature, rather than relying wholly on ‘Attached.’ as sufficient for understanding the challenges of this type in relationships.
M. Turcotte –
Good book for someone questioning the status of any relationship….whether romantic or not. Explains interactions between adults by describing three basic attachment styles.
The book gives a good basis in the three basic types of adult relationship styles: secure, anxious and avoidant. ‘Secure’, as the name implies, refers to those who can give and take those little incongruities in a relationship without major misbehavior ….although it in no way implies they are perfect. The authors state that the majority of adults fall into the secure type. ‘Anxious’ refers to those who seem to always worry about a relationship; ‘avoidant’ refers to those who seem to keep a partner continually at a distance. The authors present research studies to support their results and use case scenarios in their descriptions.
I found the authors presented a balanced way of exploring whether relationship style comes from upbringing, genes and/or experience. They argue that all three affect adult behavior, and let the reader know that neither genes nor upbringing is destiny. This gives hope to those readers unhappy with their current situation. You can change your relationship style if you want to do so.
The descriptions of anxious and avoidant styles are straight-forward, the warning signs well presented and the authors provide suggestions on self-help. I liked that they did not denigrate these two styles, in fact they took pains to explain they are normal. It is mentioned in another review that they appear to avoid abusive relationships. I found that in reading carefully one sees the authors stating that any relationship which keeps you unhappy is one you might consider leaving.
The authors also mention that secure types can lose their ability given certain situations…. at which time they typically become anxious. At this point, it would have been beneficial to mention that there is a continuum of behavior in each style depending upon the stress a person is under. A secure person, placed in a dangerous situation, will become sensitive as their fear mechanisms kick in. But they may not show all the signs of an ‘anxious’ type. Meeting such a person one might get the impression of an anxious relationship style when in actuality one is observing the after effects of a normal response to danger. Indeed, the longer the time of danger, the longer the recovery period in which actions will appear ‘anxious’.
Liz G. –
This book has been tremendously helpful to me as a clinical social work intern conducting therapy. When I first started working with clients, I felt my classes and foundation year internship had prepared me well to “do” engagement and establish a therapeutic alliance. However, in spite of having studied several interventions, I felt fairly clueless as to how to move from the initial sessions into ongoing therapy. This book was an important part of finding that missing link. I like the examples of dialogues, and particularly the sections on issues such as therapeutic impasses and empathic failures, that help guide my own practice in tricky situations. I recommend reading this book as you are getting your feet wet doing therapy. I am not sure it would have resonated as much with me, or made as much sense to me, if I had read it before starting to practice. In the end, what will make you (and me) a good therapist is, along with key attributes such as empathy and active listening, sitting in that chair hour after hour and doing it. In the beginning, though, books like this one are an invaluable bridge between utter beginner and seasoned professional. I am grateful to have found this book.
John –
This book thoroughly explains the attachment theory and relationships. It helped me understand what behaviors and thoughts are unhealthy for a relationship. It also made me realize that a lot of the “advice” and “ideals” preached in the media, do not lead to healthy attachments and happy relationships.
pros: Very informative and helpful. Direct and to the point
cons: the examples the author gives are a bit too simplistic and generalized
JSmith –
I learned about attachment relationship theory & read all about it online. I ordered this book to delve deeper. I thought I was anxious attached and I thought my sweetie was avoidant. However after reading the book & taking the quizzes I learned that we are actually at the core both secure although I became more anxious coming off my divorce, a circumstance that made him want to go slowly, thereby exhibiting avoidant behaviors. It didn’t really make sense that he was avoidant given his current consistent levels of commitment & my own settling heart, or given our previous 25 years of friendship. Also impacting us was his own recent heartbreaks & our failure to communicate. If you think you might be avoidant or anxious, especially if you’re one of those hyper emotional hyper rational hybrids like me & my sweetie are … I say read this book & talk it out with your sweetheart. It might just be the key to learning how to trust again. The book also states something like 20-25% of people cross over attachment styles in a four-year period. And addresses that we are all needing of & capable of being content in relationships. It’s a great awareness builder & made me feel much more secure & confident in my relationship, in my own attachment style & in understanding my sweetie’s. The science behind this – behavioral psychology- is amazing. The avoidant baby’s heart rate & blood pressure rises at exactly the same rate as the attached baby. If you understand this theory, especially if you’re exhibiting signs of anxious or avoidant attachment styles, please do your heart a favor & read this book. Then take a deep breath, take a run, and let go because it’s going to be alright. Remember that we all want the same thing and that’s love. And talk to him or her honestly. Tell them you love them if you do. And smile. It’s going to be great actually.
Ariel Meadow Stallings –
Attached completely changed the way I understand the “crazy” ways people act in intimate relationships, giving me a massive compassion upgrade toward my behaviors, as well as the seemingly inexplicable behavior of others.
I was already familiar with attachment theory, and Stan Tatkin’s books had even given me some insight into how attachment issues play out in adult relationships, but Attached blew the roof off for me. I gained huge insights into what triggers my hyper-vigilant attachment system, and why I do the things I do (which don’t even make sense to me!) when I’m in that state.
It also helped me finally understand why some people are so squirrely and distant with intimacy. In fact, more than just understand it (which already feels huge!), now I have deep compassion for the discomfort some folks have around emotional connection and closeness, or why some people freak out so hard at any hint of someone seeming too “needy” or “clingy.”
It’s always solid advice to avoid taking things personally, and this book helped me see that some kinds of behaviors are just your attachment system freaking out. It’s not you, it’s your attachment system! Being able to get a bit of space between your core self vs your behavior is a great tool. It does NOT excuse the behavior, but it gives you a framework to understand it, have compassion for where it came from, and be awake enough to what’s happening that you have the opportunity to make a choice to do something differently.
I will agree with other reviewers and say that this book is just the tip of the iceberg — it doesn’t address much about anxious avoidant / disordered attachment folks, and it feels like it might be most useful for anxious attachment folks. But still!
FC –
This book rises miles above the many books that deal with fear of commitment and ‘commitmentphobes’ by being coherently grounded in the science of attachment. I say science and not merely theory because there are neurobiological bases to attachment styles. The authors touch only briefly on the subject, but it is the activity of hormones such as cortisol and oxytocin or processes like bodily regulation that ultimately differentiates these types.
Several reviewers have complained that the book is biased against avoidant individuals and useless when it comes to helping that segment of the population. I disagree. The book is a life saver, but only to those who can still be saved. I am talking about the anxiously attached individuals. Everyone who has had the misfortune to fall for an avoidant knows that they cannot. The avoidant style is an adaptation to a less than ideal environment and it serves well the estimated 25% of the population. They can have their cake and eat it too. Engaging or negotiating with them is futile because they have nothing to lose: they are always ready to leave the relationship when something is asked of them. You can’t win.
I have learned this the hard way by realizing that for two years I have been losing sleep in an on-again, off-again relationship with an avoidant. He thinks we are just starting. Actually we started “officially” so many times that I lost count. Every single time I was dumped like clockwork after a week of bliss, the last time on Valentine’s day. It was time for me to take the hint. But let me tell you that navigating the (hopefully) last breakup is very difficult and without some serious ammunition like this book I would probably succumb again to this or an equally dysfunctional relationship.
I also like how the book debunks the myth of self-sufficiency, self-love, and self-absorption that is so pervasive today still. I have never understood why I should strive to get better at being alone if I don’t want to be alone! I don’t want a partner who makes me feel hopelessly lonely and smugly teaches me self-reliance. I have learned self-reliance the hard way, on my own. But this book miraculously insists that you can be happy in a loving, supportive, and stable relationship, and tries to show you how.
DaniT –
I’ve taught several courses for PhD students learning to do therapy, and there are some sections I think are potentially useful for beginners (e.g. what do I say the first time I call a client?). However, be aware that there is a strong psychodynamic bent to the book, so parts of it may be inappropriate if you are supervising from/learning a different theoretical orientation.
jlf –
This is so relevant and easy to understand that I read it in 2 days. I can be a very anxious partner, afraid to say anything that might rock the boat. And I can be so anxious that my friend, who is pretty secure, becomes avoidant. “not this again, here we go again” is how he sometime feels witch my constant insecurity.
The 3rd day after getting the book, my friend was feeling stressed and was a tiny bit critical, and I do admit that what I said was poorly worded and warranted his response. but I was afraid this would become the new norm, even though 2016 has been a better year for us. So I told him that I read in the book that when I feel anxious, I need to deal with it by myself, so I could go play cards and he could go home and have some time for himself. He said that sounded good, and then added, “unless it can’t be resolved.” Because I hadn’t been critical of him, he felt safe offering to listen.
The first 30 minutes was his monologue about his own issues that he argues with himself about. I wondered if I was going to get to talk at all! But he wasn’t being critical about me, he needed to say all that stuff about himself and his issues, and then he felt safe enough to listen. I was able to minimize my comments from being critical, labeling them as my fears, things I didn’t know how to respond to in a helpful way,etc. Many things, he said he could see why I felt that way, or why it was confusing. He did mentioned things he does for me because he cares, but he didn’t feel defensive, it was a conversation. Since I didn’t blame him for my insecurities, I could even say why some things didn’t’ seem fair without him feeling attacked. After 3 hours of super communication, we went out to for ice cream to celebrate.
And my challenge continues, as an intimacy junkie, I need to find ways to be intimate that make him feel good, not just intimate as in problem solving.
JS –
Very good book focusing on detailed examples of what to say and why. The format is: Intro, examples (good and bad) regarding how to handle things as a therapist, and then follow up commentary. Easy and clear to read. (I am a new Psych grad student.)
Pesky –
Do you bond quickly and deeply, often to the wrong types of people, hoping “love can be enough”? Do you find yourself constantly anxious and wondering whether or not your partner cares about you? Do you start a relationship feeling good about it, but quickly start to feel overwhelmed and trapped? Have you convinced yourself you’re “not fit for dating” either because you get avoidant or anxious? READ THIS.
I started reading this book about a week ago, and couldn’t put it down once I got into it. This is a complete game-changer of a book for anybody who has struggled with love, and I think anyone getting into dating at all could benefit from reading it to better understand the role their attachment style is playing in how they date and relate. I learned about childhood attachment styles when I was in my graduate program, but that was before a lot of the research about how attachment impacts the physiological responses we have to partnership as adults came out. This book does a really good job of making that research relatable, illustrating examples of different styles at work in a way that’s relatable and familiar.
There were entire sections of this book I felt could have come directly out of my diary. Coming to understand how my anxious attachment has played a serious role in how I date, and realizing that instead of fighting some of my anxious impulses (consequently making them worse), I could instead ask my partner for the kind of reassurances I need in a healthy and communicative way, completely changed how I started my next relationship. Recognizing how my scarcity anxiety style of thinking was influencing me pair-bonding to people with a more avoidant style (consequently leading to a lot of heartache) gave me the tools I needed to start actively screening potential relationships for compatible attachment styles to my own.
I seriously think that when I think about my life as a young woman trying to find love and commitment, reading this book and learning about attachment theory has been a pivotal moment in cultivating healthy romance. I feel much more forgiving of my anxieties, and better able to understand where my partner is at, and how to successfully ask for my needs in a way that gives us both freedom and stability.
James G. Peppler –
An excellent theory, but not an ultimatum. My biggest complaint is that there is virtually no mention of egocentrism. For the ego can perceive the value of relationship as being for purely self serving reasons, only engaging with others to benefit “self”. Although, Johnson’s insight on vulnerability is excellent, in which a willingness to be vulnerable is in a sense a willingness to reduce the ego, but to only indirectly mention the dangers of an inflated ego, is in my opinion, negligence. Nevertheless, still, an important book to have, a theory that should be put to use, but yet needs to be balanced together with other important psychological concepts that seem to missing from this book.
inlori Customer –
I read this book from cover to cover and it was really helpful and worth the purchase. I already know a number of people that would benefit from reading. Basically, you WILL be better off reading this than not.However, pay attention to the other reviews on this book from licensed professionals. There are some things missing from the book. Here’s just my opinions:For one, anxious-attached people … the book mentions finding someone that can fulfill your needs but fails to address that it’s important to learn to self soothe in healthy ways as well. Reassurance seeking from your partner can become an addiction where you place your well-being in their hands, and you seek and seek and seek. It can actually make your anxiety worse. Make sure you research “Reassurance seeking”. There is a healthy balance between soothing communication with yourself and then with your partner.Also, dismissive-avoidants … the book is very kind and tries to validate people’s need for space (from intimacy!) and etc. I have known a few avoidants, and for them, to be avoidant of intimacy equated to years of loneliness. A couple told me they wished they weren’t the way that they were, and some resorted to alcoholism. I wish the book would have recommended therapy more. Granted, I know this isn’t always the case. It’s true some people simply value their independence … but that’s different from being stuck in a purgatory of independence and wishing the walls against intimacy were gone.With some Anxious people and some Dismissive people, their intimacy complications can come from deeper traumas and might be better with confronting these issues through therapy rather than just differing communication skills. Nurture the seed too, not just its leaves.There’s another thing the book could have touched on. To date a very unhealthy dismissive-avoidant can end up a lot like emotional abuse. Same with anxious-attached. I can see that the book took a positive spin, and it did talk about healthy communication. But I wish there was a more matter-of-fact approach on telling the reader how not to be an abuser. Some people, depending on how severe their style, will need more insight than a polite chapter.
Tigr_017 –
Lasting gift to oneself and to anyone stuck in the chase or individuals whose track record is to catch and release/ tait and switch, clear message: any mindset or practice apart from candid simple consideration for another living being’s emotional & well being needs is detrimental and destructive; a reestablished common understanding among potential relationship partners’ regarding the tangible/ intangible phenomenon of intimacy, is foundational before venturing to connect with another person, prior to any level of mutual romance being realized. We owe this given offer of disclosure to salvage any possibility of moving toward meaningful, significant quality of human bonds which is essential to our existence and thriving as a species on the planet. Affecting our relationship within all built populated surrounding supportive of physical safety-soundness of mind which depends on the cooperation/ shared caregiving responsibility of more to redefine the norm, for a cultural shift instead of an exceptional few subgroup. A new reality prospect to transform life for the majority-masses affected most by an absence of intimacy.
Julie Newman Toker –
Becoming a Therapist is the only book I have seen that covers this topic in a clinically relevant and non-intimidating way. It’s extremely readable and covers the perfect range of topics from the first phone call to termination. We use this book in an introduction to therapy course for first year psychiatric residents. The book is universally praised by them (and the only book they all buy). I believe that this book is particularly well-suited for the beginning therapist and teachers of beginning therapists. I loved this book and recommend it highly!
Kristi Stefani –
Dr. Sue Johnson’s scholarly synthesis of attachment theory and research, alongside her own clinical reflections/examples, culminates in a truly excellent resource! Dr. Johnson describes the value and utility of attachment theory so eloquently– the wisdom contained within this text resonates deeply with the human experience and what we know to be true about the inherent and powerful longing for connection. She offers a helpful road map for therapy that is relevant, necessary, and essential for healing and change in therapy!
inlori Customer –
I found this book to be a good introduction to attachment theory, but was left wanting more. I feel as though this book is unhelpful to those with avoidant attachments, and does not provide meaningful solutions toward security for people who identify with that attachment style. It was overall too generalized if you are seeking deeper knowledge on the subject, but the real world scenarios did provide some helpful context in understanding the different ways someone with an insecure attachment might behave or engage with protest behavior.An easy read if you’re just getting into the subject.
inlori Customer –
This book is definitely beneficial for people who are anxiously attached. The authors explain the importance of effectively communicating your needs to potential partners, and how to avoid falling into relationship traps with avoidant people. I like the emphasis they place on finding someone who can meet your needs instead of trying to suppress them like most dating books advise in order not to look clingy. They explain that by doing this, you will only end up unsatisfied in the long run, and people who are securely attached should be able to meet your needs as long as they are communicated effectively. I only gave this 4 stars, however, because I don’t think this book would be as helpful for a person with an avoidant attachment style. The authors seem to place their focus on helping people with anxious attachment avoid relationships with people with avoidant attachment.
Elana K –
This is an unbelievably compact, well written guide to attachment theory with absolute clarity on its application to contemporary practice. You can almost see the sessions in the book as Sue walks us through a number of transcripts and helps us bring this effective therapy to life. The only downside is that you might want to reread parts of it from time to time, it is simply that useful. At a time when human behavior feels ever more complex let this be your companion.
Angie Juniper –
Sue Johnson has done it again! She is on the cutting edge of Attachment Science and is leading the way in helping us humans join other humans on our journey of healing! As a therapist, she has impacted how I work and practice the art of connecting. Thanks Sue!! Great job! This book has expanded Emotionally Focused Therapy so that no one is missing out…. individuals, couples, and families can all be impacted by the process of emotional resonance, regulation and revision. Thank you!
Manuela Pop –
a therapist I talked to recommended this book. Although I agree with everything in this book, one thing that is not covered is how even the secure dynamic of a relationship can turn in the end sour and unhealthy. I was in a very long term relationship of 17 years and in the end I realized that even though it was secure relationship, we grew apart, we had different views of the world and we were fighting a lot. I am now in the dating pool and I come across a lot of avoidant men. After such a long relationship, it’s hard to come into the modern dating world. This book has definitely help me understand that there is nothing wrong with me. I have a secure attachment style, but there are a lot of avoidant men out there and for some reason I attract a lot of them even though I have a secure attachment style. However, it is good to have these tools and knowledge from this book, so I can be more discerning and look for someone more like me, who can have a secure relationship. Great info that will help me forever.
Allister –
It’s an overall valuable book, but with some glaring holes and bizarre takes that seem more editorial than scientific.
1.There is virtually no talk about personal agency, taking responsibility for actions, going to therapy, or changing your behavior.
2. The authors make it seem as if people fit neatly into these categories, without much acknowledgement that people might lean into a few styles depending upon who they are with.
3. They ascribe almost super-hero type qualities to secure people —vastly overestimating the amount of powers they have, and the nonsense they would put up with from poorly behaving partners.
4. The most glaring of all — they completely leave out Disorganized Attachment (Anxious-Avoidant). Some of the relationship examples in the book have characters that display behavior so alarming that it would be hard to believe they did not have a personality disorder. Shockingly, the authors simply place these characters into the Anxious or Avoidant buckets, and seemingly normalize pathological behavior. What’s worse, the authors almost make it seem as if these individuals are acting so terribly because it’s the fault of their anxious or avoidant partner!
5. The authors advocate that expressing all needs and concerns are always valid. Well, that would probably depend. Since the authors don’t address disorganized attachment, they don’t touch the fact that a disorganized partner might express irrational needs that might cause a secure person to take a step back. And since the authors do not account for this, the authors would label the secure partner as “avoidant.”
Again, this book DOES have value. But the omissions and lack of rigor are hard to ignore, and readers should take this into account.
Rob P. –
While trying to understand the push and pull in the relationship I was in, I was turned in to this book and it’s topic of avoidant/anxious attachment. This book truly helped understand what was happening. It helped me realize the personal growth I needed to work towards (as an anxious attachment person) and to better understand my avoidant partners strengths and weakness in an emotional relationship.
ES –
The material is fairly simplistic and somewhat falls short by not fully explaining how we become insecure which can lend greater insight into healing. As a self-identified anxious type, I find the advice useful however it falls short by not fully explaining how one achieves security other than by finding a secure partner. I believe this advice is valid, however for myself I needed to find a resource that can help me overcome my deep seated emotional traumas and fears which led to the development of my anxious style. It lightly touches the cognitive distortions which fuel our misguided dating/relating attempts and provides limited coaching for using effective communication. However, true healing involves disovering and facing our buried trauma history, improving self esteem, finding a secure base or secure base construct, and finally identifying our needs and emotions.
Con –
Very comprehensible and useful book for the therapist/student interested in tying together any loose bits they’re holding about attachment theory, and then knowing a clear path to bringing theory alive in session. Emotionally Focused Therapy is the path described here. Sue expands beyond couple therapy and describes how clinicians who see individuals and families can also work in the EFT model. I’ve studied attachment theory extensively and practiced EFT for quite some time, and this book offered clear, fresh conceptual and practice directions that were immediately useful to my work with clients and to my teaching.
Turing Machine –
Everything you need to know about Attachment Theory. Great read, invaluable knowledge.
Tika Tabak –
It was kind of a slow read for me at first, but 3/4 of the way through I swear my nuro plasticity has changed through the way I react to situation’s and have since found a new freedom of self. I’ve been recommending this book to everybody. The funny thing is everybody’s already read it 🙂
City Gal –
Having read numerous self-help books as of late – this is definately one of the “best” in terms of practicality. The authors presented an easy to follow framework, using real life examples coupled with research studies to illustrate the concept of attachment. Furthermore, the exercises contained throughout the book help the reader apply the ideas and suggest approaches that one might take to address observations drawn from the exercises.
I’d recommend this book to any of my friends in a serious relationship or looking to find one… frankly it really can be applied to any relationship. For me I found it helpful in understanding my attachment style in relationships of all kinds – romantic, friendships, family, etc… It was especially helpful as it has actual exercises and self-assessments for you to gain insight as to why and how one exhibits potentially destructive behaviors in relationships. Best part of this book for me was the suggestions for how to recognize the less effective actions I’m taking and to adopt more “secure” behaviors…. all this in one quick read… If you have a background in psychology you might find this book a bit elementary – for the novice like myself (aka. “amateur” self-therapist)it offered a great set of tools to start examining my behaviors more concretely.
P. Miller –
I thought this book was highly informative and really opened my eyes to the way people bond or attach to a significant other. The only thing I was a bit disappointed in, is that the authors appear to strictly relegate everyone into four attachment styles with minimal acknowledgment that some people may shift between anxious, avoidant, and secure attachment styles at various times in life, and depending on the personalities of their partners. There is little to no discussion about people shifting between attachment styles in response to their partner’s behaviors. I don’t believe that how people interact with their partners could possibly boil down to just the matter of a single attachment style. So, I was a bit dismayed that there was not more discussion of how overall personality types correlate to attachment styles. Otherwise, this book was very educational in that it took a different theory of interactions in partnerships and tried to categorize them in an enlightening way.
Cat –
This text presents a clear description of attachment styles, and the unique benefits/drawbacks of each, in terminology that is very accessible to the lay public. What this book does especially nicely is concretizing behaviorally specific indicators of the various styles, in terms of a quick-and-dirty assessment of one’s own and others’ attachment, and providing clear examples of what each style “looks like.” Toward the end of the book, there’s a section where the reader is challenged to identify what (insecure) attachment style characters might be demonstrating in a given interaction, and to think about, with behavioral specificity, what a more secure pattern of relating might be. This helps scaffold the reader into applying “book knowledge” into real-world paradigms, which is essential for really understanding how these dynamics play out. Again, perhaps not so useful as a resource into the evidence base on various attachment styles if one is already well-versed in that area, but it is still useful in terms of it’s practical application to clinical work. It’s also a phenomenal resource for clients, especially if they’re struggling with conflicts in their relationships. Beyond giving an explanation for challenges, this book gives readers meaningful steps to take to build more helpful relationships, or to move on from relationships that are not rewarding. It provides the therapist and client with common language to discuss the patterns that emerge without sounding too jargon-y, as well, which is nice.
The downside is that it is somewhat slanted toward an understanding of the anxious-preoccupied style, and relatively less space, depth, and perhaps understanding are extended to those with the dismissive-avoidant attachment style, but it’s still very good.
GS –
After coming out of a decade long relationship in my early thirties and being exhausted by the dating scene, I delved into self inquiry. I wanted to learn about myself in many regards, including the role I pay in relationships and how I could find “the right person.” A dear friend who happens to be a relationship therapist pointed me to this book. What a boon it was! It opened my eyes to a whole slew of “issues” and items I needed to work on, and also the type of person that I would fit in well with. It also opened me up to the world of attachment theory and was only the beginning of my journey which eventually led to an e-course (via google search) on “resolving” my particular issue. Now I’m back in a long term relationship and this time, very much in love and with someone who is just an amazing match for me.
Overall, there are other resources out there that go deeper into attachment theory, but this is a good beginning step. There’s one aspect of the book that did bother me: For certain attachment types, the authors have a fatalistic outlook. Basically, they seem to say “thats just how this type of person is and there’s nothing that can be done for them to change.” I disagree with any such statements in life in general. The universe and all it’s elements are dynamic. So are people. And those who WANT to grow and change… well, they can. This is why I note that this book is a good beginning step into the study of attachment theory.
Wishing you well on your personal journey!
inlori Customer –
As always Sue Johnson speaks to my soul. Im an EFT therapist working with couples and this adds to my work with individuals as well. Thank Sue.
gail –
This is Sue Johnson at her finest as she shares a lifetime of clinical knowledge and provides THE essential guide to psychotherapy. for mental professionals
If you are looking for a clear, effective way to meet your clients and help them transform their lives, this is the book for you.
Jane J. –
After ending a 14-year marriage to an abusive (and now, i see, avoidant) husband, I have continued to struggle to make and maintain close romantic relationships. Even though I felt I’d worked hard in therapy, had read books about co-dependency and personality disorders (to better understand my ex), the two men I’ve attached to since my divorce were both avoidant. This caused me a lot (LOT) of pain, especially as I’m still recovering from many of the abusive messages planted in my head by my ex husband. It was only after seeing a dating coach that I learned about attachment styles. This opened a whole new world to me that has helped me understand my own patterns in relationships (I often swing from avoidant to anxious without stopping at secure).
This book in particular helped me unwind the shame I felt at not being able to properly judge potential romantic partners and it also helped me feel better about my own patterns in love. I would highly, highly recommend it to anyone who feels perpetually dissatisfied in relationships, or who feels dismissed, put-down, demeaned, avoided, unheard, or unhappy. I now have a much better understanding as to why my ex husband started pulling away the closer we got (I remember that on our wedding day, he was in his own little world and didn’t even tell me I looked nice, and things got worse from there). I understand why I always felt so unhappy and even though I have read up to a hundred books on different psychological principles, I finally feel like his actions had nothing to do with me. I often felt ashamed or clingy for wanting more closeness, but this book does a wonderful job of validating human attachment as a basic need. I now feel empowered to make better choices in who I date and how I communicate and bond to people, even my children, so as to help them develop secure attachment styles.
JR –
I really liked this book. I got it when I was feeling unprepared to start see psychotherapy patients during my psychiatry residency. This book was relevant, answered so many of my questions, provided example conversations, was easy to read and understand, and made me feel more confident going in to see my first patient. Before my first patients, I was spinning around in my head with a thousand “what ifs”, and I was so grateful to have help sorting through some of those contingencies that were not addressed in my classes. A year later, I still reference the book occasionally. When we started seeing our therapy patients a few weeks later, one of our highly respected faculty members actually recommended everyone in my class read this book as we were getting started! I recommend this book to anyone who wants help figuring out what in the world to do during those difficult situations that come up in therapy.
J. Long –
I have been reading and listening to everything I can about attachment style, and this book tops the list. Not only does it fully explain all attachment styles but it also gives real-life ways to work on moving toward a secure attachment style. I highly recommend this book to improve yourself and all of your relationships–whether it’s with family, friends or a partner.
Carolyn –
This book gives good dialogue type examples for many common situations encountered in therapy. There were many things one may not have even considered – like calling out the name of a client you’ve not yet met to identify them in the waiting room instead of announcing your presence so they can identify themselves to you. Who would have thought about preserving confidentiality in the way you first identify your new client? It makes sense, but it may not have occurred to you. The book is that way throughout. Lots of good sense, some concrete examples on implementing them, and situations you may not even have thought to ask about and how to handle them.
zoineos –
I got this as a gift and I have to say I LOVED IT! Very helpful and a relief to have some advice.
inlori Customer –
I teach undergraduates and now graduate students thinking about or facing their first therapy challenges. This book is an excellent resource when you go into a session armed with your theory and have no idea how to even start the conversation or get it where you need to go. It gives practical advice, very simplistic conversations, that are very comforting in the beginning of doing therapy. As a first-year student four years ago, this book would’ve helped me tremendously, so Im glad I can now use it with those who come after me in classes.
BookWorm –
This book made me think about my relationships in a different way. I tend to get very attached and it becomes almost impossible for me to let go. Now that I know my attachment syle… I realize that I need to be extra vigilant in the beginning by ensuring that I pick a partner who has qualities that matches with mine because I “will” become extremely attached and it behooves me to pick someone worthy of this. Essentially spend time, at first, trying to fully get to know a potential mate instead of willfully having stars in your eyes because it will save you a world of hurt in the future.
The info presented in this book is invaluable and was an eye opener for me and helped me to understand why I often struggle to let go of knowingly bad relationships. It was a fairly easy read with ideas presented in simple and straightforward manner.
Sarah –
One of the harder parts of being a new professional is coming up with the script- the many things you have to say over and over again. This book gives great suggestions on where to start formulating your own script around the usual business practices of activities such as scheduling, missed appointments, finances, etc.
I wish there was more on marketing on social media.
robert allan –
This book represents decades of practice and research from a brilliant mind. Accessible, practical, and well laid out, this book provides a comprehensive attachment-based approach to working with individuals, couples, and families. Grounded in a comprehensive research program and brought to life with real-world clinical examples, readers have an excellent guide for working with emotion and getting at the core of what matters most for individuals and relationships. This is a must read for any psychotherapist who want to bring about lasting change with individuals, couples, and families!
DCO –
Having read multiple books about EFT, this book is so clearly written and engaging. The examples given for work with individuals, couples and families are very useful in conceptualizing the work with different modalities.
Ryan Gano –
I think this is Sue Johnson’s most concise and clear clinical work. I appreciate its simplicity and it’s broad treatment of EFT for couples, families and individuals.
Michelle Cantrell –
The more we understand the science of attachment, the more we as helping professionals can target our interventions for treating clients with symptoms that more often that not arise from feeling disconnected from others and self. Sue Johnson’s latest book offers a good overview of attachment science as well as a map for providing attachment oriented interventions with individuals, couples, and families. This book should be on the shelf of every helping professional!
Lori Eaton –
Excellent resource to have on hand as a therapist if you are already familiar with the EFT framework
inlori Customer –
What an amazing body of work!! This book clearly outlines the importance of attachment theory when working with individuals, families and couples. Thanks again to Sue Johnson, PhD for creating such a clear and practical guide for therapists. I enjoyed every page.
Miss Bethany –
This was a worthwhile read that will give you great insight into the behaviors people will do to either force their partner to reassure them (anxious) or kill intimacy (avoidant). It gives you the self-awareness into your own behaviors (why am I acting out/playing games/shutting down the relationship?) and steers you toward effective communication, equipping you with the tools you need to move into a more secure place in your relationships. Minus a star because the authors seem to have a bias against avoidant folks and look at secure folks like they are “the answer.” I would have loved a chapter on hypothetical situations as to why people end up anxious, avoidant, or secure–both as children or traumatic experiences as adults that cause them to change styles. I say this because when trying to show your partner empathy or compassion, knowing WHY they are the way they are helps you have a better understanding of them.
Elijah Logozar –
I enjoyed ‘Attached’ and read it in a single sitting. As someone who has read 40-50 relationship books including some of the most technically up-to-date works on attachment theory, such as Sue Johnson’s
EFT program
and
Attachment in Adulthood,
I found the advice in this book to be more or less empirically sound. Relative to the technical works, it is much easier to approach and read it in 3-4 hrs. I especially liked the difference between secure and insecure approaches to conflict and why protest behavior can be inappropriate. I found the advice in this book to be relevant to me and feel that I better understand how to connect technical works on attachment theory to real life.
There are two problems with this book. The first problem is that the author focuses too much on leaving distressed relationships rather than fixing them. Don’t get me wrong, the author prefers to repair, but Sue Johnson’s
Hold Me Tight
methods are underrepresented and offer more hope than this book implies. My second concern is related to the first. The author has a pessimistic tone regarding attachment styles and implies that the pursuer-distancer effect is virtually impossible to fix. Despite the author agreeing that attachment styles can change over time, a tone of voice suggests that differences in intimacy needs are permanent, which contradicts Sue Johnson’s works on EFT. It’s important to maintain hope because avoidant’s anti-intimacy strategies are only self-protective and are maladaptive in safe environments. Remember John Bowlby’s claim that attachment strategies should be goal-correctable and understand that modern EFT works show that attachment styles and strategies are a lot more malleable than the author in this book implies. Maintain hope and proceed with confidence! I recommend that you pair this book with Sue Johnson’s
Hold Me Tight
and that you don’t try to leave a distressed relationship before trying Johnson’s advice.
Secret shopper –
I feel like everyone should read this book. It will help you better understand what your attachment style and to better understand how to navigate it in your daily lives .
Kalie Miller –
Inspiring and life changing. This book really dives into relationships and why people act certain ways in relationships. It really made me take at look at my own relationship style and I become a better person and partner each day due to this book. Definitely recommend and will be reading it many more times to continue to grow.
Sandeep Soorya –
The world is filled with all kinds of people. While no framework is perfect, Attached provides a thoughtful framework grounded in academic research (that continues to evolve). I am grateful for the integration of a very complex topic into a well written book. It takes academic research and applies it to the real world so that I can apply these principles to my life (as much as I want!).
American Express –
After reading a library of books to try and figure out why I grieve relationships so hard, this was the book that helped me put it all in perspective. I wish I had read it many years ago!
Tiffany –
I’m only half way through and I already give it five stars. I’m learning so much about myself and past failed relationships. As for me, someone with an anxious attachment style, I’m understanding how I can go about dating effortlessly and effectively without activating my anxiousness. This book will be a game changer for me. I’m definitely going back to tik tok to personally thank the person who suggested this book. ❤️❤️❤️
Christina solis –
I purchased this book after many recommendations and I’m so glad I did. I think this will help me in my future relationships. I’m an anxious attachment style and I’m working on becoming secure, and avoiding the avoidant attachment style person.
Tamisha Lassiter –
This book was recommended to me by my therapist. I finished it in 3 days. I gained so much understanding about myself and my attachment style. This book has really helped me to acknowledge my triggers and how I respond to those triggers.
Reading –
I really liked this book. It’s easy to read and really helpfull for a psychologist who is starting his or her career.
Veronica V –
This book is excellent!! if you want to be a therapist, this is a good choice to get started
littele fish –
I am reading the translated edition of this book, and I am about to start my couseling internship. I feel nervous and excited. Coincidently, I met this book and I found it was exactly written for us freshman learning to be a good conselor. The book offers many situations that might or must happen in the process of counseling. I gained a lot. Strongly recommend!
Sofia L. –
Not a perfect score because it is more geared towards Psychiatrist than counselors
Still it answered my questions and provides useful forms that can be adapted to fit your needs.
Highly recommend.
MLW –
This is a fantastic book for new therapists like myself. The authors’ knowledge on the subject seems very comprehensive and simultaneously makes the information accessible to a broad audience.
Colby –
I’ve always wondered why I act the way I do, and other people are are so different. This book has really opened my eyes about the idea that I’m an avoidant personality, and how to overcome my tendencies to be a lone wolf.
We all need relationships, and keeping people at arms length is just a survival mechanism from harsher prehistoric times where I might end up losing my close ones at any point.
I also learned valuable lessons in reading other people’s personalities and how to better meet their needs and resolve conflicts.
I’ll be referring back to my notes from time to time and recommending to anyone hoping to improve their relationships.
Shasha –
Very good book, but much repetition. Anxious/avoidant need to find a secure person to date…not the same as them. The people free to date may be anxious/avoidant. The secure maybe married. I think people grow from any relationship and may work themselves up to better relationships. Live is a journey…can’t be perfect. Keep learning/growing/changing. People may get their attachments style due to how parents treated them…so seek this again even if it is not healthy. It was interesting and went into details on each type. I am avoidant…run from love. I pray I can still find an awesome romantic partner in life and not be stuck alone always.
Amari –
I’d highly recommend this book as the insights are invaluable to anyone in or seeking a relationship. My only critique is that even though the authors say there’s nothing wrong with any of the three attachment styles, it’s almost implied that those with avoidant styles should be avoided. Even though those who attach securely can be a fit with those who are either avoidant or anxious, the satisfaction and success of relationships with secures and avoidants weren’t described as clearly as anxious-secure partnerships. A little more detail there would be great in an updated edition. Otherwise this book is thorough, fascinating, and easily digestible. Great read!
Andrea P. –
Beautifully written. Based on the most recent research, Sue Johnson describes the clinical process in a pragmatic and experiential way. In this book the human being is seen in his moving life experience.
Any therapist through the author’s perspective can improve their work with individual, family and couple.
A revolutionary clinical perspective and a wonderful resource both for experienced therapists and for students.
inlori Customer –
Sue Johnson is changing the emotional landscape of the world. Love this book and this model of therapy. Nothing has been more helpful in providing me the tools to turn disconnection and isolation into love and closeness. Extremely powerful.
MP –
Dr. Johnson makes a clear, reasoned, and researched case on why attachment theory is THE unifying theory in psychology, but she doesn’t stop there. She demonstrates how to put this theory into action with individual, couples, and family therapy. A must read for any therapist interested in or already using attachment research in their practice. Bravo!
Pond Shark –
I found this book very helpful as a guide for understanding how to apply EFT for more than just couples. Sue Johnson’s work is always accessible, rooted in science, and related through endearing, practical examples. I am happy to have this in my EFT toolbox.
Robin Campbell –
Sue Johnson is SO amazing! Her knowledge, skills, and abilities continue to amaze me. It is beautiful to follow her model of therapy and to see lasting change in my clients. If you are feeling ‘stuck’ in the older models of talk therapy, EFT is for you!
Christopher Alan Grissom –
Over the last year I have dug into so many of Sue Johnson’s books and trainings. I cannot learn enough about attachment, EFT and how it makes sense for a couple. And now I have more options and resources to use with the individuals I work with!!!!!!
A. K. –
It was probably a good book when it was written, but in the presence of more rigorous and more actionnable books, such as “What Makes Love Last”, it’s a pretty hard read, and as a scientist quite cringy as the authors try to coax cases they mention to support their theory (with a dose of normative opinions of what is acceptable or not in relationships that are honestly annoying at best, harmful to non-traditional heterosexual family-oriented couples).
A couple of interesting insights and take-aways can however be found in it for anyone, so in the end it’s more of a 4* than of a 3*.
CJ –
This book is very helpful and practical. I appreciate the author’s time and dedication to ensuring they created a resource that flows well with the model.
naajia –
Idk where to even start but my daughter saw me rereading this the other day & said “ARE YOU READY THAT AGAIN?!” Listen, if you have attachment issues this book is a must have. It’s great to be able to go straight to the section you need for reminders so as not to fall into old patterns. There’s 3 attachment types that we all fall under. It’s incredibly mind opening. Easy to follow and gives tons of real world couple examples. Highly recommend. I’ll go so far as to say it may save your life. The life of you in relationships.
Human –
Wow, about sums it up. Everything is laid out well, the book shows great detail and clarity in the description of these attachment types. Learning this process of healing, attachment from our epigenetic designs and past childhood, how these attachment types make us who we are as adults.. the building blocks of our actions, our thoughts even as adults. This acts as an aid to help put yourself on a new life path, one of enlightenment by self educating yourself. Things that should be taught in all schools. Yet magically you are here, this is your journey, you have been led to this point out of willingness to change due to these attachment archetypes of humans. Embrace the journey, learn and bloom into the person you were always meant to be! ☀️🙏🏼
Gabriel –
This book does a great job of summarizing the concept of attachment styles in a simple, easy-to-understand, format.
While only mentioned briefly, the 4th attachment style (Fearful Avoidant) is not expanded on. It’s my opinion that it leaves the book incomplete since the gray area this 4th style covers is vital to understanding the theory as a whole.
Great starting point though!
Martha A. –
It is interesting to see the difference in communication styles, and how we can change our relationships if you learn better attachment and communication. I am still digesting this one.
Brandon Pollard –
I had several relationship pieces but had not been able to complete the puzzle, until now. This book brought me a new level of understanding about myself, my failed relationships, and steps I can take to finally break the cycle.
inlori Customer –
I think attachment theory could use a lot more nuance. This works well for normal folks, but I feel like they really missed the mark on giving an actual label to some “insecure” behaviors that are abusive. It’s abusive to constantly swing emotions and require your partner to be your emotional counterbalance. I don’t believe that anyone should be responsible for their partner’s behavior. Being sympathetic, yes, but actually responsibility is too much.I don’t know. There’s some good advice about conflict resolution if you scroll to the end. I guess take this advice with a grain of salt.
K. Atkinson –
This book was overall helpful with lots of good information. However, I will say I was disappointed that they barely even mentioned the “disorganized” attachment style. Saying that you should just read the chapters on anxious and avoidant was an over simplification of that attachment style. Disorganized has unique nuances and it would have been very helpful for that to be included. Especially since there was SO much repetition in the book about the other styles. I know disorganized attachment is only a small percentage of the population. But I don’t think including one chapter on it could have hurt. The inclusion would have been nice. And if they were concerned that would make it too long, then the repetition of information on the other styles could have been vastly cut down.
Overall, the book had good information. But leaving out the 4th attachment style was a big miss. And the one sentence it got in the book was dismissive.
inlori Customer –
Everyone should read this book. It teaches you so much about yourself, your potential partners, your needs in a relationship, and how to Understand your partner And seek Intimate connections in a respectful and understooding way.
Marcia –
Easy to follow and the ideas to improve your relationships are very doable. I plan to share with my children so they can make better attachment choices.
Gianna –
As a person with anxious attachment, I found this book so helpful. If you don’t know your attachment type, this book can help you figure that out. If/once you do, it offers insightful information. It is both comforting and also inspires and encourages you to practice secure reactions/tactics. I think it’s really worth the read.
Maria –
Outstanding book- with a scientific based approach on attachment styles. One of the best self help guides to improve relationships and help you understand how to address your needs.
Amber Barlau –
I am going to college to become a counselor/therapist and have been searching for books to read up on how to deal with different situations and get my knowledge on. I first saw this book at borders but decided I should wait to see if inlori sold it for less and they did. I was so happy!! I received it on time and in great condition. I have not been able to put this book done since I got it, it is informational and makes you feel like you are another therapist in training sitting there listening to scenarios and everything. Overall, VERY good purchase!!Would strongly recommend!
Hedwall –
Forced to read it for a class with my favorite professor. There’s a reason why she’s my favorite — this book tells it like it is, without all the filler. I am really liking it so far!
LaTania –
This is an awesome book. It provides detailed instructions on being a therapist, everything you need is right here. Great buy!
Enrique D. –
this helped me with my thesis, very easy to understand, obviously you need some sort of basic knowledge of psychology theory in your body….
Rachel Folger –
I thought that this book was an easy read an illustrated the many facets of counseling. I really enjoyed it.
AF –
Excellent book! I really enjoyed reading this book! Genuine and practical, it made it easier to start with my first therapy pt!
Shannon –
Very entertaining and educational booK. Would be especially helpful to new mental health providers. I found the author’s advice practical.
Matt Mcclure –
I don’t want to give this book credit for attachment theory, because that’s due to tireless research and brilliant insight of thousands of people over the past decades. I DO want to give this book credit for providing an awesome overview/crash course in attachment theory and how it manifests in daily relationships. It requires very little thinking, and just a little bit of self reflection and huge pay off.
This book doesn’t pretend to be particularly profound or deep, and I appreciate that. It is what it is, and does a good job of being itself. No, the nuances and real profound implications behind attachment theory – the real juicy stuff – will not be found here. If you want to get deeper than the ‘Cosmo quiz’ mentality you’ll need to keep looking, and keep seeing a good therapist. So, title suggestions: General Theory of Love, In an Unspoken Voice, Flight from Intimacy, You Are the One You’ve Been Waiting For.
Mary Smith –
This book was a required textbook for one of my online Masters class. It give an excellent overview of the different lives of psychologists with their repsective credentials in varous areas of the field. It was an eye opener about the salary after completing a Master’s and starting out as a psychologist in whatever field one chooses to dedicate a life. A couple are from author’s who have reached or are almost near retirement. Those I found to be disheartening because I don’t have 30-40 years to be in the field and reach that level of salary in my lifetime.
I recommend this read for anyone contemplating a master’s and/or doctarate in Psychology. It will help you make a more informed decision about chosing to enter or not enter a post-degree program in psychology, or better chosing the unversity that will offer the degrees and courses you need to do what you want to do in the field of psychology.
L. Garber –
This book is a great addition to the beginner therapist’s courses. It’s incredibly useful.
Tami Ruckman –
Perfect!
inlori Customer –
This has been a great help to me!!
Nathalie –
This book is excellent! Great tips, very helpful.
JG –
OK level
MegV –
This really helped me when I started my first job, even just as a mental health case manager providing intensive counseling services. It really helps you put into perspective what is most important – not necessarily what you say, but how you say it. There are also important ethical discussions in the book, which is always good. The discussion between both authors (beginner and advanced) is seamless.
inlori Customer –
This was assigned for my Masters in Mental Health Counseling program and again in my doctorate program. This book taught me so much to the counseling side of psychology. I enjoyed reading it multiple times. It’s perfect for budding psychologists!
Maria Astor –
Normally I am weary of reading books written by Psychiatrists because sometimes these books tend to be a little too technical. However, I have found this book to be quite practical with very good tips for how to approach a variety of clients and diverse psychological/psychiatric presentations.
Mary HD –
I had read some research on attachment theory before I read this book so I was familiar with the attachment styles and saw myself as anxious and my husband as avoidant. Although I think it’s important not to pigeonhole people, there is truth to the simplicity of the anxious-avoidant style of intimacy that seems universal. The authors briefly explain attachment theory in layman’s terms, then go on to use case examples of pairings of anxious and avoidant attachment styles. Following this chapter, there is a series of red flags to watch for when dating that your partner’s attachment style is opposed to yours (which I haven’t read yet since I’ve been married for many years) along with ways to communicate effectively if you are in a relationship of conflicting attachment styles that one or both partners doesn’t want to leave. The most enlightening part of this book is how simple effective communication is, but it takes a great deal of courage to communicate in this way if you’ve spent a lifetime communicating ineffectively and using what the authors call “protest behavior”. I recognized my own marriage in this book and am ready to make the habit of effective communication part of my relationship.
I also found it helpful as an anxious type to know that all those feelings I had with an avoidant husband are felt by all other anxious types. It made me realize that I’m less screwed up than I thought I was and that my needs for intimacy are legitimate. What a relief!
I would highly recommended this book to anyone, whether they were looking for a potential partner or are already involved in a relationship. The simple strategies in the book may just make me a happier and more securely attached person (if my husband is willing to follow my model anyway). Either way, I will be more at peace and less anxious about the relationship.
Wynne Virgo –
Attached is an easy read discussing (biologically) 3 types of attachment styles. Anxious, Secure, and Avoidant. This book is geared at intimate relationships, but could be applied to any relationship.
The Anxious style, possess a unique ability to sense when a relationship is threatened.
The Secure style, are sure of themselves and supportive of emotional connections.
And the Avoidant style, whom feels suffocated with intimacy and are compelled to keep relationships at an arm’s length.
The book has an assessment test that helps you figure out which style applies to you, but if you are over 25, you probably already know.
I like that the authors do not vilify or judge either of the three styles.
The information that leaped out, is that Avoidants and Anxious tend to match up often. There are more Avoidants in the dating arena than in the general population (25%) because Avoidants do not date each other and they get in and out of relationship much more. In general, Secures date fewer people and more quickly find a partner and settle down.
After trying to have a relationship with two past active Avoiders, this book would have saved me serious heartbreak had I gotten more direct and communicated more effectively BEFORE I dove in.
Their conclusion, which validated not only my experience, but me as a person, is that there is nothing wrong my need to be deeply emotionally connected or dependent on my partner, having it actually frees me to become the best independent person I can be.
Thank you..Thank you… Thank you – Levine and Heller. I now have the necessary information to spot the Avoiders in advance and stop wasting my time and my heart on someone, who does not value the benefits of a strong emotional connection.
Been there – done that – never again!!
Victoria Venturella –
This book is very helpful for a new therapist, it walks you through the beginning aspects of being with others in the therapeutic-client alliance. There are always things that go unsaid, this book helps to fill in those gaps in a way that speaks to the experience of a new therapist.
kbear –
Came in just as described. A great book with examples that a new counselor can follow easily.
jjzzcc –
I really enjoy the writing style of the author. She relates so well to her readers and is honest when she talks about herself and her experiences. I haven’t finished the book but the few chapters I have read were intriguing and helpful.
Anu Mathai –
Its a great text for beginners.
John Duffy –
Lots of good information
inlori Customer –
Susan Johnson is the best.I highly recommend her work.
inlori Customer –
Everything I needed
RCH –
A must read! Emotionally Focused Therapy has not only enhanced my clinical effectiveness but has also deepened my own personal relationships. EFT just makes sense! I am forever changed by Sue Johnson’s work. Thank you.
Michele L. –
Great basic text.
Marce Aguilera –
Excelente material, elemental
Carla Rather –
This book is imperative for clinicians seeking to integrate the powerful change agent of emotion into the individual therapy frame! Where would we be without Sue Johnson’s contagious passion to facilitate human bonding?!
– Carla Rather, Certified EFT Therapist
inlori Customer –
This book is an incredible resource for clinicians in understanding attachment theory and applying it to your clinical experience. I have grown so much as a therapist by reading this book. I highly recommend this book to anyone interested in applying attachment theory or EFT to their work with clients.
E. Huntley –
This book is my go-to model for all of my work with couples, and individuals. In the field of psychotherapy, attachment gets to the real heart of the matter.
Korbin Vaughn –
Perfect for writing papers
inlori Customer –
Excellent book that clearly lays out the theory of attachment science and goes on to poignantly demonstrate the application of theory for helping clients to make profound and sustainable changes.
Chris W. –
Great book on how we relate to others based on our attachment styles: Secure, anxious, or avoidant. Super helpful if you’ve ever had trouble in relationships before, or found yourself unable to figure out why a partner or date behaved a certain way. I picked this book up while trying to figure out my last relationship, and mostly, what I learned from it. I never realized I had an anxious attachment style, and for the most part, my current relationship still flares up my anxiety every now and then, but being with him is bringing me closer to a secure attachment style. And also why, in my last relationship with someone I now recognize as an avoidant, it made my insecurities and anxieties so much worse.
It also talks about the anxious-avoidant “trap” and why they’re usually attracted to each other. It explained a lot about why I had such a hard time leaving my last boyfriend, even though I knew he wasn’t right for me, early on. Because I kept trying to “fix” his avoidance, making me more and more anxious in the meantime. Now I understand why he was the way he was, and if I were to ever find myself back in the dating pool again, I’d recognize avoidant men and, well, avoid them.
The tips on improving communication with different types was also immensely helpful. The stories of real-life couples made describing and understanding the styles so much easier and more relateable.
But upon reading up more about attachment styles, I noticed there was one style missing, and that was the fearful avoidant. I would have loved it if they included this type of attachment in the book, because some of us do identify that way. Other than that, very well done and recommended for everyone in a relationship or actively seeking one to read this, even if you’re secure. It’s really handy in learning how we relate to others, and explaining why others may relate to us in a certain way. I honestly think most people, if not everyone, can benefit from this book in some way.
Alex Davies –
Loved it. Helped me so much with my own practice
Stephanie Fowler LCSW –
A must read for people working to understand themselves and their emotional problems. The science of attachment is easily understood through Sue’s writing.
zeva longley –
Good for professional.
MBT –
Sue does a wonderful job of integrating the other modalities of therapy in clean, clear and concise language. If you love her EFT books before, this one will be the icing on the EFT cake!!
C. Corcoran –
A must for any therapist who wants to understand attachment and help clients and couples work to attach with one another.
BB –
Great read, book breaks attachment theory down for application
Pinoy! –
Gave the book as a present to my granddaughter for her studies!
Mike D (UWS) –
This book has a lot of great wisdom. It took some time for me to embrace it. The early chapters are filled with the promise of the magic that is forthcoming. As the book progresses, it gets fairly deep and meaningful. The book provided me with some healthy perspective regarding past experiences and good life lessons for the future. It is a worthy read and I found myself recommending it to numerous people while along the way. I think it would serve the authors well to cut back in the worksheets and some of the matrices with sample scenarios/conversations. I feel like those pages distract from the seriousness of the material and the depth of the authors’ work.
The Auer Family –
This is a great book for someone who has just started to explore attachment theory and wants to learn more about their own attachment style. This book is a great read with easy-to-understand language. Because it covers all the bases it doesn’t go super in-depth on any one attachment style. If you want to learn actual techniques for stopping self-sabotaging behavior and insecure thoughts, you’ll want to buy another book to accompany this one. I recommend buying a book that is specifically written for your attachment style.
Katie Tribbett –
Wonderful book for new therapists! It has been an extremely helpful resource!
Daniel Coburn –
Johnsons attachment-based experiential/systemic integration is brilliant theoretically and practically
inlori Customer –
This book was required for introduction to counseling course. The authors gave a great break down of what it takes to be a therapist with conversation examples.
inlori Customer –
I enjoyed this book and it brought clarity to current and past relationships. By the end it did feel a bit repetitive, but overall it was good and I will apply the information to my future relationships.
Katie Lynn –
This book has some amazing points to finding a way to becoming secure in any relationship. Single or committed this book helps with communication and understanding of attachment types..
inlori Customer –
This book gives an in depth perspective and helps us navigate through our past and current relationships. It helps us identify the problems we’ve had and gives us the solutions we’ll need to be happier in our future. We’ve all been the anxious type and the avoidance type at some point in time. Hopefully, we become secure by learning from our past experiences.
nadiaj1980 –
I didn’t give this book a five because even though I feel like I gained some very useful information about attachment styles, I also took a star away because I am not an avid nonfiction or self-help fan. Overall I feel the information was presented in a way that was not too over my head, but it also offered some information about the science to back it all up. I walk away from reading this feeling like I have a better grasp on my attachment style, and it will help me to respond in kind in my future romantic and platonic relationships.
Love –
So as a person who read this book from a self help perspective & not a therapist/psychologist or a student studying psychology I think this book was helpful.
Most reviews I seen are people disecting the research or even it’s simplicity but for me it got straight to the point. Three attachment styles that basically falls under secure/intimate & insecure/ anxious & avoiding (lower level or lack of intimacy. The book explains the styles & its similarities to a parent-Child relationship but it doesn’t go in depth to how th two correlate or if their is any correlation. As to say A person is anxious because their parents were distant, inconsistent…etc nope the book doesn’t show prove the relationship between the two. You just have to read & see which attachment style best describes you & the book even gives you a test (ECR-R) for you find out your attachment style.
Overall it’s an ok book, good to know info & of you are looking for or in a relationship it maybe helpful to give some of the tips mentioned a shot.
Frank –
This is a great introduction on attachment styles, though I think most people won’t seek it out preemptively. Most people who pick this up will be wondering why things are not working in a relationship. That being said this book does a great job of explaining the attachment styles, but isn’t as useful in helping people with insecure tendencies. I mean there is only so much a self help book can do. I think counseling is what a lot of these insecure people need, no book will suffice. But it does help in giving common terms for communication with experts in the field, that should at least make things easier.
SaffronAce –
A great book on learning the different attachment styles and how they pertain to your everyday life and relationships. It has helped me understand my attachment style and learn to connect with others easier.
Elijah Logozar –
Sue Johnson’s works are amazing! I always learn so much, and the content is always relevant. Lots of technically new information also! I really enjoyed hearing about how the brain views social resources as similar to physical resources, decreasing the effort necessary for tasks. I also enjoyed hearing more details about the nature of the Pursuer-Distancer effect and lots of fresh examples. So naturally, it’s great that this book is up to date and complements other technical works like
Attachment in Adulthood
and
The Practice of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy.
Highly recommended, especially for scientists and budding therapists.
Moonbeare –
This is the most important book I’ve read in my 52 years because it is all about the most prevalent pain I have experienced for nearly 40 years. The information has brought about a tremendous release of that pain and has unraveled the reasons for that pain so that I may never have to experience it again. I will never be the same.
I have a completely new understanding of all the struggles in my current and previous relationships, and while some struggles are still present, the new perspective has entirely erased all of the previous reasons for those struggles, and has made obstacles seem much more easily surmountable.
Take it from someone who has been stuck in a 38 year loop of one exhausting and crippling relationship after another. I feel like the cycle has been broken and there is hope for real companionship and lasting love, even if I stay right where I am in this relationship that I had, like so many others, given up on. My psyche has been freed from constant trauma and is healing.
Jennifer Minard –
This book is written in a way that is unclear and suggests speaking for the client this is a very strange way to practice.
Bruce A. Calvert –
This book is based on 20 years of social ,scientific, and psychological research, but it doesn’t bog the reader with too much statistical and academic speak. I was not unaware of attachment theory when I found this book. It opened my eyes to my own attachment style and those of people I’ve been in close relationship over my lifetime. Once the basics of attachment theory were covered, they provide a short quiz to help you find your own “attachment style”. Then the authors used case study narratives to demonstrate the different ways people form and maintain (or not) intimate relationships. This allows the reader to understand deep seated attachment needs and behaviors in themselves and in others with whom they’ve been in close relationships. Best of all, they offer specific strategies for identifying and navigating the pros and cons of our own attachment styles and those of people with whom we are looking to find and/or maintain healthy intimate relationships. The book is interactive with exercises to help us quickly spot pitfalls and moderate our trigger responses when we feel our security is being challenged in a relationship. I feel hopeful now that I can take a more informed and mature approach to finding, building, and/ or maintaining intimate relationships.
Austin H. –
I don’t think people are just cookie cutter of the the three types he gives. Additionally it has an overall negative tone of avoidant people.
JH. –
I am glad I bought this book I feel it has a lot offer in understanding our selves.
HatMan –
I think it’s a good framework, there’s a lot of valuable lessons to take away. It’s good that it’s supported by actual research. A few gripes I came away with:
– Anxious-anxious relationships were never addressed! I was waiting for it the whole time since they did every other combination but it never happened.
– Gender dynamics are completely ignored. The book’s written as if men and women are identical in attachment styles but there’s no way that’s the case. Would be helpful to explain how to understand your and the opposite gender better.
– All the anecdotes are made up based on the generic boomer-era names all the characters always have. Some real life examples would be nice.
Salem alhajeri –
Though attachment styles are way more complicated that how they’re portrayed in this book, I still find it easy to read and digest. I personally started reading more about attachment styles after reading this book, so I recommend it especially if you want to benefit in the context of romantic relationships.
Emily Marie Israelsen –
My biggest takeaways from this book were respecting your own needs and desires as valid, and finding a good fit with someone who wants a similar amount of closeness as you do. The examples of couples discussions and possible solutions were helpful!
Mikkle –
Bought for a book club. So far so good
Christi –
This is a great resource for therapists working with couples, partners, relatives, or families. The EFT techniques can be applied with those populations appropriately. Sue Johnson is detailed and writes in a way that is easy to read and understand.
Jeaninne –
Highly recommend this book, it’s incredibly eye opening! Regardless if you are in a romantic relationship or not, it gives you a great understanding of your ability to connect with others. It also helps you simply understand why people are the way they are.
In terms of romantic relationships, it really gives you a lot of great insight on how you desire to be supported and understood by your partner and Vice versa.
Blyssspruill –
I can’t say enough phenomenal things about this book! It truly helped me to better understand my habits and patterns in relationship development. Though it does not give concrete solutions on how to “fix” your potentially bad habits, it does provide great enlightenment into WHY you possibly behave the way that you do, and gives you tools toward betterment. I truly loved this book and have recommended it to many of my friends.
inlori Customer –
I read this book with my partner who is incarcerated and then we would discuss the content on the phone. We both learned a lot about ourselves and each other throughout the process. I think the authors did well providing research based information in an accessible manner. I think this book would be simple for most adults to understand.
Lynn –
I purchased this book to complement an online tutorial and found it both informative and digestible. I also found it detailed yet straightforward to understand, the condition was perfect and as a result would highly recommend both the book and seller.
Elisa –
This is great book for mental health practitioners to utilize in practice with clients, whether in individual or couples work. Great read for anyone to get a better understanding as to how their attachment style impacts their relationships and ways to improve attachment styles.
April O’Leary –
A therapist recommended this book and I am glad she did! I learned so much about myself and how I’m wired for relationships. The quiz was super helpful too.
Sharon –
This book has opened my eyes of why my relationship have failed all by learning my attachment style. Be honest with yourself while answering the question and you will learn so much about yourself.
Maya Angelica Hernandez –
Thought I already knew the gist of attachment theory but still learned a lot. This book lives up to the hype and broke a lot of my preconceived notions
sarah franklin –
Every adult needs to read this book. This will help you know yourself more and where to heal . Your relationships will improve !
Ilecia Baboolal –
I truly learned a lot about my own attachment type. I also learnt what happened in all my previous relationships. I would recommend it to everyone interested in the psychoanalysis of adult attachment relationships.
Gen –
Liked the stories/anecdotes to provide context for the concepts. The book was validating in itself. Wish I had read it sooner.
savannah porter –
I was easily able to make the connections to real life from this book. Helpful for those who wonder how they end up with the “wrong person”
Ingrid –
I’ve shared these readings with friends and family. The book although full of research comes across as easy to read, easy to digest and easy to apply to self. I’ve shared it with teens and older adults. You are never too young or old to make the necessary changes to be your authentic self, the happiest version of yourself, with or without a romantic attachment.
Desiree –
Love this book, plan to use it with the couples I work with for couples therapy! I even learned a few things about myself in relationships!
Mei –
READ THIS BOOK! It was so insightful and she’s a lot of light on the struggles we all have in relationships and why that is. Attachment styles was a new concept for me, this was great.
Kim Morcom –
Therapists, especially Marriage/Couples’ Therapists, please recommend this book to your patients.
Such basic concepts to learn that can really open one’s eyes and improve all kinds of relationships! Wish I read this years ago!
Mohamed Atef –
I found this book while i was searching for answers for my doubts and brain consuming thoughts that i had for a while.
That book gave me the answers for all of them and gave me a lot of knowledge that fully explains my attachment needs and I learned that i should acknowledge my needs and not to devalue them or compromise!
Thanks Amir and Rachel.
kait 🤍<span class="a-icon a-profile-verified-badge"><span class="a-profile-verified-text"></span></span> –
Have read it so many times. I love it!
inlori Customer –
This book drastically shifted my perspective and added extreme value to my life. A game changer when it comes to improving self awareness.
John L –
This book is enlightening. I would recommend this to anyone who is looking to learn more about how they show up in relationships. It feels more of an introductory to attachment theory– a place to start the journey of understanding.
July Siegel –
Wonderful! Really helped me with relationships
My daughter loved her new Bella baby playmat. Lots of sensory variety for a 4 month old and easy to assemble! I would recommend highly. –
Understanding self and our own attachment style a great focus.
sharon86 –
Definitely opened my eyes to so much I wasn’t aware of. A life changing book when it comes to dating
Sylvia –
Everyone should get a copy of this book.
Irving Partida –
Great Book. It helps you understand yourself and your relationships. This book helps you underdtand the basics for relationships in todays world.
Chase Coe –
I started reading this because one of my goals for 2023 is to work on my relationships with relationships and sex.
I think ATTACHED was very interesting and mostly helpful. I’d already kind of realized I was avoidant but this really helped put my feelings into words and to recognize some of my behaviors so now I can clock them and course correct before it gets bad.
The ending really got me though because I never realized that I’d been living under the assumption that falling in love or finding “the one” (WHICH IS A MYTH OKAY) would automatically just make relationships easy. I know that sounds stupid but when you grow up surrounded by romance books and movies without ever actually experiencing it, you would think that it doesn’t take any work to make a relationship successful. But it takes SO much work.
A very interesting read for sure!
Serena –
I can’t say enough about this book! If you’re in a relationship or single you need to read this book! Be ready to do some self work and reflection while reading.
meg –
I am learning so much from this book!
Wendy Day –
It’s as if this book was written for me. At least I know have an understanding of why I feel the way I feel. Now I just have to figure out what I want.
Alyssa James –
I had high expectations for this book. I feel conflicted about it. Like Five Love Languages, there’s some good stuff here. Also like Five Love Languages, I think this could’ve been a pamphlet. Not quite to the same extent though. I appreciated the scientific basis kind of, and some of the examples clarified what Levine was saying. But sometimes it felt wrong. I didn’t feel very seen as an anxious-avoidant person. I liked a quiz I took on another site because it helped me to see different relationships and where these habits come from. This book didn’t really do that for me, though my quiz results were technically the same. But that’s fine. We take what works, and leave the rest behind. I recommend it if you’re curious about all the talk around this book in particular. Otherwise, I’m not sure. I’d do a little more research on the topic and maybe read this and something similar.