Has your romantic partner called you clingy, insecure, desperate, or jealous? No one wants to admit that they possess these qualities; but if you find yourself constantly on the alert, anxious, or worried when it comes to your significant other, you may suffer from anxious attachment, a fear of abandonment that is often rooted in early childhood experiences.
In Insecure in Love, you’ll learn how to overcome attachment anxiety using compassionate self-awareness, a technique that can help you recognize your negative thoughts or unhealthy behavior patterns and respond to them in a nurturing way―rather than beating yourself up. You’ll also learn how insecurity can negatively affect healthy dialog between you and your partner (or potential partners) and develop the skills needed to stop you from reverting back to old patterns of neediness and possessiveness.
If you suffer from anxious attachment, you probably know that you need to change, and yet you have remained stuck. With compassionate self-awareness, you can successfully explore old anxiety-perpetuating perceptions and habits without being overwhelmed or paralyzed by them. By understanding the psychological factors at the root of your attachment anxiety, you will learn to cultivate secure, healthy relationships to last a lifetime.
If you’re ready to stop getting stuck in the same hurtful relationship patterns and finally break the cycle of heartache, this book can show you how to get the love you deserve―and keep it!
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Insecure in Love: How Anxious Attachment Can Make You Feel Jealous, Needy, and Worried and What You Can Do About It
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Catarolyn –
Words can’t express how grateful I am that this book was written! Learning about Attachment Theory and learning about being Anxiously Attached has been extremely liberating. “Insecure in Love” helped me to understand not just who I am, yet why I am, who I am. Something that no counseling (individual or group), no church service or bible scripture or any conversation with anyone could help me see or understand. I always knew that something was different and understood that I just don’t operate in relationships like other people, yet the missing piece to the puzzle was why and where it began. Being a therapist myself, I recognize that w/out a proper diagnosis, you can’t treat the real issue. “Insecure in Love” allowed me the opportunity to address the real problem from the root. I must admit that I am still very afraid of being able to make the necessary changes as I am slowly (and consciously) working through the exercises as instructed. I am courageously confident that finding peace is an option, because I at least feel understood and I have a name for what it is and a plan to fix it. This book was wonderfully written and provides examples to make it even more comprehensive. If you truly want to take a step in the right direction, this book will help you get there, not to mention, the author affords you the opportunity to contact her personally if needed (I actually spoke to her). She is a true HELPER and that speaks volumes about the impact that her work will have (and is having) on those in need.
Jane J. –
After a dating coach taught me a little about attachment theory (and many failed romantic relationships where the men were either abusive, addicted, or non-commital), I picked up this book along with Attached (Levine). I was in yet another unsatisfying relationship with a man I loved but who was unable to commit. I frequently found myself feeling jealous and needy despite my partner’s verbal reassurance; I hated the way this made me act and feel, and I wanted to make things easier on him. Reading this helped me really delve into the heart of the scripts I tell myself about my own worthiness for love and whether I can depend on or trust a partner. It helped me understand better how to unwind my own anxiety and to communicate my needs to my partner. I told him I needed periodic reassurance, small check-ins where I knew he was thinking of me, that I needed more quality time together, my need to hear him say he wanted to see me, and my need to have plans in the future together (even if it was a week away). To my surprise, he stepped up and actually did these things, and it really helped! When we weren’t together, I used the techniques in this book to calm my own anxiety. It greatly, GREATLY increased my relationship satisfaction and closeness to my partner and vice versa.
ariana –
This was a great read, and is now a useful reference book to understand attachment typologies. What I find striking is that this author argues that to overcome anxious attachment, one needs to actively find a healthy relationship (friendly, familial, romantic, otherwise). This is easier said than done, and possibly easier in some life areas than others. Also, I find that this approach could put a lot of undue burden on the “healthily attached” person; in fact, many advice columns continually argue that if a partner is too needy, to drop them. I suppose this is where genuine love, understanding, and communication come in, and possibly the lacking factors that might have contributed to anxious attachment. In all, my self-awareness has heightened and I am less emotionally reliant on others, however I am not sure that I am closer to attracting the kind of complementary partner that is described in the book. In this regard, I feel the author should have spent more time discussing just ways that one can reframe one’s interactions and strategies for the individual to use with a potential partner, friend, colleague, child, pet, etc. versus rely heavily on finding successful healthy romantic attachment; this would have been more practical because we form many, many relationships over our lifetime, and the author could have spent more time on the common denominator in all of them: the individual.
Cindy Erickson –
OMG!! I am so happy I bought this book!! It has helped me understand myself so much better. I knew I was destroying my marriage because I could not bring myself to trust. I thought I could trust my intuition, but by doing so I was sabotaging that what I held so dear-my relationship to my husband. I would recommend this book to anyone who has issues with trust and self-love. I am by no means “fixed”, but I know that it is possible and I see glimpses of change everyday. Thank you so much Leslie Becker-Phelps.
Sylvieh –
I have read a lot of books on the subject but Leslie Becker-Phelps goes into details and give a lot of instructions on how to survive insecure relationships. The book is very easy to read and well organized. I have read the book over and over as I find that it helps me revisiting some of the contents on the daily basis when I am having a tough time with my day.
S. Wood –
If you were granted access to my inlori purchase history you would numerous self-help books. This is probably one of the best if not the best I’ve ever read. If you have been a shy, insecure person you need to read this book. She’ll explain to you how you got that way which is part of the healing process. There are also tons of exercises to help you bring change into your life. It’s not magic – it takes work on your part. The tools are there when you are ready for change.
Stephen –
This book covers very important concepts in psychology, combining issues of bonding, attachment, mindfulness and CBT. The chapters and exercises are very clearly written and practical. Anyone who is struggling with anxiety in a relationship can benefit significantly by following the ideas and practical suggestions here. Highly recommended.
B. Shannon –
As a family law counselor/mediator, this book was extremely insightful and will be a very useful tool for many families I work with. I will certainly apply several techniques in my practice to help others improve their relationships. Very well written and full of helpful ideas. I highly recommend this book.
J M Holbrook –
This book helped explain so much about my struggles in relationships, why some feel more secure than others. Mostly, it gave me peace of mind that not all is doomed. That indeed, finding the right fit can help us feel so much more secure and that we’re not as broken as we think.
MWR –
Amazing read! If you even have any issues with personal insecurity in relationships, especially if you have identified a pattern of insecurity in your past relationships, read this book and stop the cycle! It’s just an all around healthy read for anyone.
KF in Houston –
I really love the way this book is written. Having been in a series of relationships where my anxious/preoccupied attachment style related fears were exacerbated due to verbal abuse, i really appreciate the fact that this book is so compassionately written. I am learning more about myself without feeling bad about who I am. Is incredibly informative and yet validating and reassuring which I really need in my life right now. I’m really grateful that I came across this book at this time in my life.
Sean –
Insecure in Love is a remarkable book in that it enables those with an anxious attachment style to learn to be more in touch with their everyday emotions (self-awareness) and to use that knowledge to soothe the pain that comes with many of those emotions (self-compassion). Hence, the idea of “compassionate self-awareness.” The goal is to help people become more happy and secure. The book also provides wonderful advice on finding a good partner who can help in this security-enhancing process, and so Insecure in Love really meets anxiously-attached individuals where they are and helps them to become more whole from the inside-out, deeply affirming who they are, as well as their need to connect with a special someone. There is no jumping through hoops required or any advice given that will be off-putting to those who fear rejection… Instead, this book is down-to-earth and can help nurture within the anxiously-attached the role of a loving individual who can soothe the wounds that come from everyday life, both at work, and in love. I consider the advice in this book to be life-changing, and I highly recommend that people who are anxiously attached buy it!
S. Crandall –
I have struggled with the issue of insecure attachment.
Reading the book gave me a great deal of insight.
Then, I had to apply what I learned. That’s the hard part!
But, I have been working in it. Yay.
The book really helped me focus on my issues of denial and deflecting responsibility for my problem with attachment.
One of the best so dalled self help books I’ve read. And I have read around 30 of them. Wow.
Whitni –
This book is amazing. It’s better than another attachment style book I’ve read before because it actually gives you help on how to move forward and analyze your own behavior.
Alex –
Excellent book! It has quality exercises and novel insights that I hadn’t read in books on the same subject. When reading it, I felt that the author really understands what it is like to have anxious attachment and the struggles that one faces in trying to overcome it.
Bronx Book Nerd –
This is an important book for people who have trouble finding and maintaining good relationships. We have all been shaped by our early caretakers to have certain kinds of attachment styles in relationship – anxious, avoidant and secure. It is important to know which yours is and how it can dominate your love relationships. This is the self awareness that the author promotes. It is also important to be kind to yourself when your attachment style kicks in and leads you to act in unhelpful ways. This is the self-compassion side of the author’s equation. This can be accomplished by taking the time to step back and detach from the emotions. Not an easy task, by any means, but a necessary one that helps you understand your attachment emotions and that you are not some sort of needy or cold person, but a product of your environment who now has the resources to improve your relationships.
Private –
Over the years, I have accumulated and entire library of personal growth books.
Some only help a bit, some help tremendously…
This book was a lifesaver.
Cannot recommend this enough.
ALBERT LENG –
I got this book after a breakup. I have to say that this book is spot on for me to understand my attachment issue which I only realised after this relationship. This is an easy read yet give lots of practical exercises for any people with relationship issues to understand themselves and their other halves better. This is a great book for anyone who is not yet in a relationship or is happy in their relationship as well. I will constantly review this book as I seek to grow from time to time. Thank you, Dr. Leslie.
Katelynn Brioc –
I was a bit skeptical on this at first, but I felt after reading through some of it, that I could identify with the issues that were being discussed. There was a lot of good information in it, and it gave me a lot of insight on how I was acting in my relationships, and how my partner at the time was acting too. Not everything in the book applied to my situation, but on a whole, I felt like this was a good read. It didn’t solve all of my problems, but it definitely helped. I would recommend this book.
suzanne whlfeld –
The author is empathetic and the book is filled with lots of exercises that help make the information personal. It has helped me to be more conscious of my anxiety in relationships and find ways to break the patterns. There are a few books that I would read again, this is one of them!
Debra M. Lee –
This came recommended by a relationship therapist and it is a wonderful and informative book. If you have issues with relationships, get this book!!! I also have Attached and that is a great book as well. Get both.
inlori Customer –
I like this book because it has a lot of things you can put into practice and it explains all the attachment styles, so anyone could pick themselves out and work on what needs fixing. I was told I might be codependent, but that never seemed right to me – turns out it’s not. This book helped me tremendously already. Would recommend to anyone.
Helen C. Gennari –
If you are looking for help with relationships, including your relationship with yourself, I would recommend this book. The author does a wonderful job of identifying the issues and then offering specific guidance and helps with addressing them. I have found her book helpful both personally and professionally.
Sharon –
I’ve always felt there was something that felt off balance with me. I am a strong confident woman but when it came to relationships, my anxiety kicked in. This book helped me recognize what my attachment style was and how I Can I prove. It’s only been 4 weeks but the vast improvement in how I see and react to things are remarkable. It only gets better and I have Dr. Phelps to thank for this. Reminder: you will get what you put in. Do the hard work and you will learn so much. Be vulnerable.
Dani –
Ok…. if you came across this book because you’re needing some help with developing a sound mind for your relationship.. this book will help you. I was reading it with my mouth open thinking.. omg I’m not just crazy/emotional/confused… there’s a reason and there’s a way out. The Bible and this book has saved my way of thinking. When I get that feeling in my chest.. you know that feeling.. I am able to stop and remember that the way I’m feeling is just a learned reaction.. that I’m actually NOT going to lose everything I love.. that he ACTUALLY means well and that I’m over thinking. The main thing I have gotten from this book is developing my sense of self worth and to stop reacting and listening to the fears I think of.
Anna –
Just amazing. I have always had trouble defining the way I felt and constantly wondered if I was normal, or if anyone had ever experienced the same emotions as me. This book so clearly described the thoughts I’ve been having it was scary. Turns out lots of people feel the same way as I do and that there are ways to improve your thought processes and, in turn, improve your life. This book is a blessing in my life and I recommend it to anyone who is struggling with anxiety or unhealthy attachment styles.
Kellie –
Easy to read and I found it very helpful in dealing with my anxiety.
I found after reading this book I wasnt so harsh on myself because of my anxious attachment, I am on my second reading of the book and will do all the exercises with this reading.
MrsH –
I can’t say enough about this book! It has taught me where my insecurities come from and has given me the tools to correct the issues I have. I’m not “cured”, but I am so much better than where I was before this book! Wonderfully written! My husband and I thank you!
Susan –
This book helped me to acknowledge my feelings and the importance of conveying them to my partner. My feelings are important and now I’m empowered to know how to work with the uncomfortable feelings when they come up.
angie –
Taking the time to read this book has helped me see things in a different light. It’s not going to be a fix all book, but it definitely lays the groundwork for a healthy life
Zach –
This book helped me make major changes and stop sabotaging my romantic relationships. I would definitely recommend it if you’re the needy, clingy, or jealous type and would like to change that. I’d also recommend reading Attached by Amir Levine.
Mills Chapman –
I have read a lot of books intended for the non-scholar on attachment, and this is perhaps my favorite. One area where this book differs from the others is its emphasis on developing “compassionate self-awareness,” a combination of being very aware of your tendencies and patterns while simultaneously being compassionate and non-judging of yourself here. By becoming more compassionately self-aware, we can slowly become more and more aware of our sensations and emotions, which can then guide us as we start feeling anxious during moments of emotional intimacy.
Her videos on YouTube are good too. She sounds very gentle, accepting, and wise, qualities I look for in a therapist. I myself already have a good therapist or else otherwise I would probably want to have Zoom sessions with her.
Carolyn Heacox –
it’s like literal therapy
eric smith –
This book is very informative and has helped my wife and I to understand each other better.
karenweller13 –
good information when facing difficulty with your anxious partner
Ukoiya –
I just started reading this book and it’s helping me evaluate my patterns already!! I highly recommend this book to anyone that has a sadness they look to fill from relationships.
Linda –
Well thought out! This is not the first time I come in touch with attachment styles, but I love the examples and the easy to understand approach.
metalchick92 –
If you have ever struggled with anxiety, depression, loneliness, insecurity, etc…THIS book is what’s helped me more than anything!! More than other books, videos, counselors, etc. I can already notice a positive difference in myself! The wisdom in this has also been able to help several of my clients.
Learn to treat yourself with the love and compassion you give to others. Learn to stop being needy. Learn to stop pushing people away. Learn happiness! 😁💜
Kaitlyn Smith –
Helps me understand my childhood experiences and how it effects me in adult life. Great for self healing!
Donna J. Martin –
Good book, as described.
Duane –
Could be written a little more in layman terms.
Shacora –
I would recommend this book to those struggling with anxiety and attachments. The exercises are helpful and some are easy to remember. There is good insight and helpful information. The most important tool I took from this book is identifying my attachment and working on a different perspective. The personality test provided helped a lot too.
Louise Winther –
Before I always thought – kind of still do – that self help books are the worst cliché item you can ever get for yourself. But here’s the ting… sometimes cliché self help books actually does their job and then some. This book has done wonders for me and my slightly eff’d up brain. I bought this book 4 years ago and I haven’t even read the whole book yet, but I has really helped me and changed my way of thinking and acting in a relationship. I partially think I would have been single today, if I hadn’t bought it back then. Highly recommend.
Caleb Maly –
Great book, especially anybody who has felt insecure and/or anxious in their relationships. Has been the first step of recognizing what some of my issues have been and how to combat them.
linny –
This book does great at giving good insight and allowing one to really understand what type of attachment they fall under and why they do. It makes it easy to understand oneself and work on ways to improve how you feel and act.
barbara bergstrom –
Provides very good insight about relationships.
Roberta55 –
Helpful information. Easy to read. I found it useful.
christopher moberly –
It is real
DianeW –
Gave me much to think about, even at this late stage in life and recent widow. Leslie wrote about many things I had never thought of. Really helped me. Thank you!
inlori Customer –
Very enlightening.
katie –
This book has allowed me to have some insight onto how to fix a currently painful situation. Dr. Leslie Becker-Phelps is very in depth and awesome at what she does.
Daniel Davis –
This book should be part of required reading for anyone contemplating marriage or divorce. The insights and perspective it has given me are truly a blessing.
Elena –
found out a few things
Kris D –
This book can be transformative for any couple that is dealing with anxiety and different attachment styles. I have never been so keenly described by a book. This will give you tools and exercises to break your habits and emerge a stronger individual or couple.
Alexis Miller –
This book was very helpful in identifying & working through attachment related anxiety. It helped me identify problems I have been struggling with and didn’t know how to address. It also facilitates an environment of change rather than just accepting the way you are if you’re not happy with it.
Jennifer Maynard –
A little harder to read than I had hope jist hecause it’s more scientific but loved the content! After reading it, I felt more empowered in. My relationship. I definitely recommend reading.
416e74686f6e79 –
My partner and I had both read this book and it changed us. It vividly revealed the reasons for many of my actions and reflexive feelings, and I particularly enjoyed the author’s scientific, research-driven approach.
wesley alan parker –
Great read for anyone with ambivalent attachment style. I read this as a follow up to how we love. A little more cut and dry than how we love, but insightful.
Adlehein –
Audio version a must. Very informative and good tools. Attached, book recommended this book. Both very good to help anxious attachment styles.
beelerc –
I liked it.
Carmen Lichtscheidl –
Haven’t finished the book yet, but so far it has been a beautiful awakening that I very much needed. It has been helping me a lot in acknowledging my habits and working on becoming more secure in my relationships. Self-reflection is never easy, but it is so necessary, and this book is truly helpful in doing just that. I am so happy I bought this book!!!
inlori Customer –
This book really helps to clarify attachment issues and steps to take to see your way through difficulties
lloyd –
I learned a lot about attachment and how it works. Didn’t really use the exercises, mostly informational
Ileana Oseguera –
Great book! Loving it so far!
Ray Pryor –
This book was so so helpful for me and I’m really glad someone told me about it. I’d already read “Attached” and other books, but this one gave me some really practical advice. I gained a better understanding of my anxious attachment style and also learned to have compassion for it in a way that I didn’t before. I learned the WHAT, the WHY (how it’s caused), and HOW to navigate moving forward.
I especially appreciated:
Chapter 7 Creating Self-Compassion
Chapter 8 Finding Someone Who Will Accept You and Warm Your Heart
pg 134 What to Look for in a Partner
pg 140 Be on the Alert for a Pursuit-Withdrawal Relationship
Thank you Leslie for a super great resource of inspiration and healing!
The Auer Family –
Good information. At times repetitive and a bit convoluted. But at its core, there are a lot of good insights and advice. Great for someone with an anxious attachment style who is looking to becoming more secure with themselves.
Jody –
Good book
inlori Customer –
This is a great book for everyone because you probably have attachment anxiety or know and love someone who does. It’s such a great practical way to help you be your best self and show up in your relationships. To choose to engage and be conscious of why you do the things you do.
Karalyn Kennedy –
I am not one to write reviews much, BUT….this is one of the most practical helpful books I’ve ever read! It talks about why we behave how we do with each other and the role of our anxieties and insecurities! Get this book!!!! Worth it!
Kenya –
Great book
Ann –
It was an absolute eye opener! I love this book and would recommend it to anyone.
Heather –
I have not finished the book yet, but so far it has been very helpful for me. It’s helping me understand why I sometimes feel the way I do, how to identify when it’s happening, and how to ‘correct’ those thoughts. I’m looking forward to finishing this!
Semaj Vanzant, Sr. –
The author did A wonderful job making the difficult to understand, understandable. Most helpful are the many exercises that are great tools in applying what you read.